Page 113 of Hexed Up

“Oh gosh,” she says, spinning on the spot, clicking her pen frantically, and taking a step forward and then a step backwards, making me dizzy with her distressed little movements.

“It really is fine,” I tell her.

“It’s just – when I go back, I’ll be in so much trouble.” She blinks hard and I can see tears pooling in her eyes.

“I’m sure we can sort this all out. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure we can find a solution,” I tell her, even though I’m the one who could be facing a massive fine or jail time. I have no idea what her problem is or what the solution could be. I really hope it isn’t arresting me.

I pass Horatio a pillow for his modesty, then, wrapping the sheet around my body, scuttle to the end of the bed and walk over to the officer who is now on the brink of hyperventilating.

I rest a hand on her shoulder. “Just breathe,” I tell her. She looks up at me with startled eyes. “In and out,” I say. “In and out.”

She follows my instructions, and slowly her shoulders begin to relax and her breathing to settle. However, she still looks as if she could fall into a panic attack at any moment.

“How about a nice cup of tea?” I say. “I think I may even have some biscuits lying around. Horatio, would you mind?” I peer over at him.

“Sure,” he says. “But could you just–”

“Oh yeah, right.”

I manoeuvre the officer so the two of us are staring at the wall and have our backs to Horatio. We hear the mattress groan, him rifling through his clothes, then his footsteps on the floorboards and the door shutting behind us.

The officer’s shoulders loosen a little more now the giant naked man has left the room.

“I’m so sorry,” she says again.

“Honestly,” I say, “these things happen. Although they never used to happen to me. But do you think someone could, you know, make a note of it in my file so it doesn’t keep happening?” If I’m going to enjoy the best sex of my life, I’d like to do it without constant interruptions from the authorities.

“Absolutely,” she says, grimacing. “I should have done it after last time. That’s why I’m going to be in trouble. I forgot. There’s just so much work and I fell behind and,” the tears are falling down her face now and, despite the inconvenience of this interruption, I can’t help feeling sorry for her, “you’re not going to make a formal complaint, are you?” Her face is suddenly struck with terror.

“Me?” I shake my head. “I’ve never made a formal complaint in my entire life. I wouldn’t know how.”

“Thank you.” She sniffs and wipes the back of her hand across her wet face.

“Here,” I say, beginning to lead her towards the bed, then spotting the mattress and its ruffled-up sheets, swerving her away towards the stool at my dressing table instead. I push her down onto it and offer her a box of tissues.

She takes a handful and blows her nose loudly, and I use the opportunity to hop across the room and slide myself into a dressing gown. Then I come back to her, perching on the edge of my bed.

“We all make mistakes,” I tell her, “and these things happen. Trust me, they’ve happened to me about a billion trillion times.”

I’m almost tempted to tell her how I ended up in bed with such a hottie in the first place. I almost confess my sin of the exploding love potion. But I’m not that stupid. She may be crying and sniffling in my bedroom, but she’s still a Magical Enforcement Officer.

“I’m surprised you’re not already marked on the file,” she says, dabbing her eyes. “This seems to happen to you a lot.”

“Oh, it’s only started happening a lotrecently.”

The officer’s eyes dart towards the bedroom door and, now she’s calmer, fill with curiosity.

“Have you just started seeing each other, then?” she asks me.

“Yes. It’s all pretty new,” I explain.

“And it never happened to you before you met him?”

I shake my head. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had lots of great sex, but not great like this kind of sex.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had great sex,” the officer says, and starts crying all over again.

“Oh dear,” I say, a little confused. “I’m sure that’s not true.”