Page 97 of Embrace

“Yeah, I’m okay.” I feel out of breath suddenly, like I’m reliving that moment. Then I hear a deep male voice in the background. “Is that Joban?”

My sister and her husband have been separated for four years.Not officially, but in every way that matters. After my dad died she became someone else, someone who couldn’t handle not being in control. He tried to step in when my mom’s depression got bad and when she was ultimately diagnosed with dementia, but Kiyomi didn’t let him. I saw them fight constantly, but he still refused to leave her side until she asked him to go.

“Uh, yeah, he’s been helping with some stuff. And Mom’s condition’s been pretty consistent. We know what to expect for now.”

“I can help,” I offer. “If you want a break, I can help.”

I wait with bated breath, hoping that the next words out of her mouth are ones that tell me I didn’t ruin everything last time. That I can still see my mom and be her son without causing her more pain.

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea right now, Kian. After the last time…” She trails off, trying to say it softly, but her words deliver like a blow.

Dejection settles inside my throat, making it hard to swallow. It feels like pieces of my heart are falling away, disintegrating into the acid of my stomach. My mom doesn’t need me, Kiyomi never needs me, and the team seems to be doing great on their own.

“Okay, I gotta go, Kiyomi. I have a date.”

“With Scarlett?” she asks, and that sends me spiraling down a drain. “Mom really liked her.”

“She’s easy to like. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

I hang up before she can say it back. It wouldn’t feel real, not when I can’t see her when I want to, when I’m practically begging to.

So I button up my shirt and grab my keys, feeling the decision already made up in my mind. I head straight to Iona House, three hours early.

Thirty-two

Scarlett

“The sky isgloomy and the air is cold, but don’t let that dampen your mood, Hartford.”

Dale Thunderman is pretty hot. But not as hot as the hockey player I can’t stop thinking about. That’s the only thought in my mind as I sit on our dorm couch and watch The Weather Channel with Sierra.

I’ve spent the last hour pretending like I didn’t notice the way she smiles at her phone, texting her boyfriend. I also pretend not to notice the way it feels like somebody is using a fork to scramble my heart.

In my attempt to not make this feeling in my chest spread to other vital organs, I haven’t told her about the fact that the guy I’ve been obsessing over since freshman year is going on a date with another girl tonight.

I reach for another Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, tossing it back in one bite.

“How many of these before we have a sugar crash?” Sierra asks, her legs on the coffee table as she lays almost flat on the couch.

“As long as it drowns out all my thoughts, I’m okay with it.”

Kissing Kian felt like I’d bared my soul to him and then poorly sewed it back up just to pretend the stitches weren’t there. It was easier when I would hook up with a guy and not feel the need to dissect my feelings.

I’ve been silently spiraling, though no one would notice. I finished all of my assignments for the next two weeks and did some extra work for the shelter by making flyers for their annual clothing drive. I even did something not so smart, calling the prison again and asking to reschedule my visit. Risa said she’d get back to me as soon as she could.

I know why I’ve been diving into my work and going through the whirlwind that is the prison system. The only thought in my mind is if Kian made her laugh—or worse, ifshemade him laugh. I wonder if he’s wearing that sweater with the sleeves rolled up, showing off his tattoos.

“What thoughts?” Sierra sits up, looking at me.

Shit, did I say that out loud? “Uh, I just meant like…school.”

She turns off The Weather Channel. Oh, she’s serious now. “No, we’re not doing that. I’ve seen you studying harder than you ever have, and you’re always at the library. I mean, you’re even tutoring. What’s going on?”

“You don’t need to worry about me, I swear.”

“Scarlett, you better start talking or I’m dragging you to the rink.”

I gasp. “You wouldn’t!” I suck at skating, and I prefer to keep it that way so my skull can stay intact. “I kissed Kian.”