Page 71 of The Library of Borrowed Hearts

That part, at least, I can reply to.

“Chloe found it from the computer at work a few years ago,” I say. “She gave it to me in case of an emergency.”

Wrinkles start to form around her mouth. “A few years ago? You mean she’s had it all this time?”

I dig around in the drawer next to my bed until I find the crinkledscrap of paper. When I hand it to her, her whole arm shakes. She looks at it for so long that I’m afraid I missed something, but when she glances back up, I can tell she’s not really in the room with me anymore.

“She never called,” she said. “She never even tried. She must really hate me.”

I’m back to not knowing what to say again. I don’t think Chloehatesour mom, but I know she doesn’t love her anymore. For some reason, that seems worse.

“She’s sad a lot,” I say. “And she worries about bills.”

My mom throws the scrap of paper back into the drawer as if it hurts her to keep looking at it. “Is that why you called? That’s the emergency? Chloe needs money?”

I shrug. Chloedoesneed money, but I’m pretty sure she won’t accept any. If she wouldn’t cash Jasper’s check, then I don’t know why she’d bother with one from Mom. Especially since it would probably have to go through Todd first.

All of a sudden, my hands are seized between my mom’s. I don’t like how wet and warm her palms feel, so I try to pull away, but she keeps holding me. She puts her face so close to mine that I can smell my bubble-gum toothpaste on her breath.

“Would you please talk to me, Noodle?” she asks. “Why did you call? Why did you pull me away from my life?What do you want?”

I blink, suddenly wishing I’d never done any of it—punched Aiden in the school bathroom, run away into the forest and tumbled down that ravine, called the phone number so Chloe could maybe have a day or two to herself. I don’t have the right words or even the right feelings to make it okay again.

It’s a good thing Jasper gave me some, then.

I sit up straighter in my bed and yank my hands out of my mom’s. I can tell that her feelings are hurt, but I don’t like being touched whenmy emotions get scrunched up. That’s the thing Jasper said at the cabin earlier today—well, that and a lot other stuff I didn’t expect, but which helped me all the same.

“It’s not okay to hurt people,” I tell her, repeating what Jasper said. “When everything feels like it’s going to explode and you don’t know how to make it stop, you should never let yourself be tricked into hitting someone.”

My mom’s eyes fly open. “I never once hurt you kids. Not like that.”

I know she didn’t, but that’s not the point. Once upon a time, Jasperdidhit someone. He told me and Zach all about it. He punched a man who was only trying to do the right thing for a girl they both loved. I didn’t hit Aiden over a girl—gross—but I did hit him because of what he said about my family.

That our mom didn’t love us enough to stick around. That we were trash. That it was a good thing we had each other because no one else wanted us.

I felt awful the moment I closed my fist, and I think I might have run all the way to Canada if I hadn’t fallen and busted up my leg, but Jasper says that was just my conscience doing its job.

“I only hit that man because I couldn’t hit the thing I was really mad at,” Jasper told me, and it made so much sense that even Zach nodded along.

“What were you mad at?” I asked.

“Life,” he said. “My mother. My brothers and sisters. All my stupid mistakes and useless dreams. Everything I didn’t have and all the things I never would. But mostly I was mad at myself. I’ve been mad at myself for a very long time.”

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked the next part, but I couldn’t help myself. He’d been staring at that picture of the lady on the wall and just looked sosad. I had to know.

“Are you mad at yourself now?”

Instead of getting upset, Jasper smiled at me—and in a way I’d onlyseen him when he was readingNightwavewith me and pretending he didn’t like it.

“I’m working on it, Noodle,” he said and reached over to ruffle my hair. I usually hated it when people other than Chloe did that, but I didn’t mind Jasper. “Ask me again in a few months.”

My mom still looks like she’s going to start crying, so I try to explain the best I can.

“Jasper promised I can go to his cabin anytime I want,” I say. “As soon as my leg’s better, I mean. He says it’s a nice quiet place to go when my emotions get to be too much, and I can keep my favorite books there like he does.”

“I don’t understand,” she says.

“You left because your emotions were too much, didn’t you?” I ask. “Becausewewere too much?”