Page 6 of Honey, I'm Home

“You hated the entire thing, didn’t you? You don’t think it’ll sell. You don’t think it will sell at all, do you? Fuck. We made it super ugly. I guess we can reno it again, but um, maybe some pointers? You seem to know what…peoplewant. You should…you should just tell us what you’d put in it if you were going to move into it.” Fuck, I’m so damn smart. “Yes! Yes. What would you fix if…youwere going to live there?”

She looks at me with a wobbly lip for a few seconds, then just starts bawling. “Ugly? You think I think it’s ugly? No! I’m sad because I realized that it’s so godsdamned perfect that the thought of selling it to somebody else and letting them have it hurts my soul! I’m sorry. I’m trying very hard to remainprofessional, but that doesn’t seem to be working out very well for me, does it?

“I’m sure I’m making a lovely impression; after so many years, I really hoped I’d have the upper hand when we ran into each other again, but here I am with cry-swollen eyes and a runny nose. Crazy on full display.”

I’m actually stunned into silence. That might be a first. Everyone tells me I talk too much. Also, can we just briefly touch on the fact that she’s so fucking gorgeous? I’ll save the poetry for later, don’t worry. You may or may not be subjected to it at a later point in my love story. Rest assured, that’s definitely what this is.

Reminding myself what I’m supposed to be reacting to here, I take a deep breath. Right. She ran off…because she loved the housetoo much? Women are so very confusing at times. “Oh.” I can so work with that. “That’s…hey, I can totally keep that between us. Okay? No worries.”

Her eyes start to twinkle a little bit, the outer ring of brown glistening in the sun. “I just— there’s so much going on right now and I didn’t exactly know what I’d be walking into coming back here, you know? I promise you I’m good at what I do. I think there might be a slight learning curve moving from the city to here, but I’m on it.

“You really won’t mention what I said to Arbor? I don’t want him to think that I’m like, trying to take his product away from him. You guys must have worked so hard to make that house look like that, you really did a hell of a job. And I promise, when we do start showing it, I won’t even let it leak through, not even a little bit, how many people I’d maim and/or kill to own a house like that.”

Is this an inappropriate time to pop a boner? I feel my slit part as my blood rushes south, starting the process. It’s not a fully-fledged boner like other species might get, but my pants are tight and stretchy and I’m not wearing undies, so the nub just sticks straight out of my pelvis.

Yes. Bad boner.

“Oh my god. How did that give you a boner?” She steps back, eyes wide, covering her mouth with her hand. I can't tell if she's excited about it or disgusted. Are those actually different emotions though?

Damnit, she noticed my bad boner.

“What were you doing in that truck? Actually, you know what? I don't want to know. You just take that thing and, well... never mind what I think you should do.”

In all of my years of dealing with this beautiful woman, it's mostly been through the lens of her brother. I was never able to give her the attention that I craved, mainly because she was younger and it felt wrong. Also, her brother Anderson would have kicked our asses. We kind of liked having him as a friend, so we bided our time.

“You have thoughts about what you’d do to me?” Okay, she has me hooked. I really want to hear what she'll say. I’m…just a little dizzy. Luckily, her misplaced negative reaction helps my bee dick disappear back into my body.

She instantly turns away from me, covering her entire face now. “You’re a professional. You are a professional bitch. You're not going to entertain these thoughts. You're not! You're going to take your things from the nice man, you're going to unlock that door, and then you're going to walk inside that office and figure out what the hell is going on with your life. When you’re in the back and away from other people, you're going to give yourself a high-five for giving such a hot man a boner without even touching him.”

She's giving herself a pep talk. I love that.

I dangle the keys over her shoulder. “You need something there, darling?” So what if my face is right next to hers? Lots of people talk to people they’re over-the-top obsessed with without them knowing like that.

She blindly reaches for them, grabbing and shaking as she tries to find the right one that opens the door. Godsdamn what I wouldn’t give to be those keys in her hand right now. I'm really tempted to follow her into the building, but that might lead to a setback; it seems like she has some really important plans for herself.

I have some wins in my pocket though. She wasn't crying because she hated the house. She was crying because she loved it so much that she didn't want somebody else to have it. I can work with that.

Operation steal Aster is totally on.

Oh, would you look at that? I walked inside. Guess I’m stuck now. “Wow. This place is kind of a mess, isn’t it? You want a little help putting it back to rights?”

I shove a granola bar in my mouth to stabilize my blood sugar before gravitating towards a broken chair and looking at the pieces, whipping a screwdriver out of my cute utility belt so I can reassemble it.

When that’s fixed, I straighten a picture on the wall and look for other shit that needs a manly touch.

“Um, thank you?”

I nod at her, a goofy grin on my face. “We’ll be by at six p.m. sharp for our dinner date. No need to dress up, we’re just going to Nana’s Noodles. We’ll save the fancy date for laterin our relationship, can’t bring out all the bells and whistles immediately, you know?”

I start heading back to my truck, happy as a clam, jumping in the air to do an impressive heel tap. Damn, I’m in a good mood.

“Hawthorne! What the hell?”

“Yes, oh future mother of my children?” I bat my eyes for good measure.

“What the hell is wrong with your face? And did you just call me thefuture mother of your children? Am I missing something?”

“You gave this here penis the tingles, he feels a sense of ownership over you now. Don’t worry, he’s easy.”