Page 82 of American Love Story

Even in the moments where I was fully with Easton, I let the dread of wondering when the other shoe would drop steal my happiness. Now here I was, having probably cheated myself out of something amazing. I didn’t know if Easton would be up for giving me one more chance. I would not blame him if he didn’t. But I swore I would not let him spend one more day thinking that he wasn’t enough for me.

By the time I was walking into the elevator, I started wondering if Easton even wanted to see me. Still I made myself move. I took a couple of breaths and I tapped in the code to the penthouse floor, feeling completely unprepared for this conversation.

The elevator for Easton’s place basically left you at his door, in a small hallway. Stepping out of it, I felt like I was the creepiest fucker on earth. I stood there like an asshole, in front of his door, deciding between calling him or going back to my place and texting him to ask if it was okay for me to come by. I must’ve been more pressed than I thought, because Easton’s voice coming from the end of the hallway made me jump like a foot in the air.

“What are you doing here?” I turned to see him walking toward me carrying some folded up cardboard boxes.

“Are you moving?” As soon as the question came out of my mouth, I realized how fucking stupid it was, and by the incredulous look Easton was giving me, it seemed like he was having the same thought.

He paused just beyond the door and gave me an assessing look. He ran his eyes all over me, but I noticed it wasn’t in the appreciative, flirtatious way he usually did. This was guarded and very far from the warmth I’d become used to. He looked at me like I was someone he had to be careful with, and that, more than anything, finally brought home just how badly I squandered the gifts that Easton had openly and generously given me.

That stopped now.

“I won’t say I’m sorry because I’ve already done that and continued to act like a clueless fuckboy. But I do want to say thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, Patrice, everything that happened between you and me was out of free will and my desire to be with you.”

He was still holding himself tightly, the boxes in a death grip in his hands, and I wanted to move closer. To take them out of his hands and hold him, touch him for the first time in so many days. But I didn’t want to take anything else from Easton that I was not willing to give right back to him.

I swallowed a couple of times, stuck on the fact that he said “happened.” That he was talking about us as if it was all in the past, and I let myself feel that.

It hurt.

“Idohave to thank you. For what you did today, for what you did for me that night.” I shook my head, trying hard to find the right words, the ones Easton needed to hear fromme.“I was humiliated that night. I felt so fucking angry that I had to be in that situation, that these things keep happening. But it was not right to take all that out on you.” I closed my eyes for this last part because I was afraid of what I’d see when I said it. “Because you were right, I would’ve done the same. If our roles had beenreversed, I would’ve done anything I could to get you out of that situation.”

When I opened my eyes, I saw him dip his head in acknowledgement, but still his lips were sealed. And then it dawned on me, Easton was no longer open to me. I’d lost that.

I needed to pour my soul out right on this hallway, because for some reason, Easton was still willing to let my sorry ass waste his time. I took one deep breath and lifted my eyes to his face, and made sure he saw exactly how much I needed to tell him this.

“It’s funny. I’ve spent so much energy keeping myself as far away as I could from love that could wound me.” His eyes widened at my words, but still he did not budge. Even with my heart pounding out of my chest. “Except you never hurt me like I’ve hurt you. I let my fears turn me into someone who’s careless with the people he loves.” I shook my head when he gasped and made myself say, “No, not people, you, with you, the man I love.”

My head and heart were pounding and my mouth was bone-dry, waiting for a reaction from Easton. His throat moved, and he closed his eyes, the boxes still clutched to his chest.

“Patrice, I understand why you were upset that night. I get it. I just,” he said, moving a little closer to where I was standing, his eyes sad, but there was still just a glimmer of something there that made me hold on to hope. “I can’t keep getting pushed away every time things go awry. My parents have made me feel like I wasn’t enough my whole life. I can’t do that with you, too, no matter how much I love you. I know that you don’t think you and I could ever be on the same side of the things that you fight for?—”

“No,” I said, shaking my head hard, finally getting closer. “Easton that’s the thing, what’s not possible is for me to do any of thisalone. I’m not in control of any of this. This is not just my fight, to keep doing this, I have to be whole. I need a partner and I need an ally.” I took a chance and, one by one, placed the boxeson the floor and moved until we were just inches apart, so close I could feel his warmth. “I need you. You’re not just enough, you’re everything.” I was gasping for breath at this point. I felt like I’d put everything on the line.

“I can’t keep getting gutted, Patrice. I can’t.” Even as he said it, he pushed closer, but this time I would not leave him hanging. Never again would I let him think that he was in this alone.

“I talked to Priscilla.” His eyebrows shot up at that, his face completely surprised.

“What, again?”

I almost smiled at how put off he was that his friend didn’t spill the beans.

“Yes, I called her and she told me that I had to stop cheating myself out of joy, that I was letting my baggage not only have my past, but I was letting it rob me now. I don’t want to keep cheating myself.”

He closed his eyes and I counted, holding my breath,one, two, three.

When those green eyes were on me again, they were joined by a hint of a smile.

“You can come inside.” I felt a jolt in my chest like my heart had gotten a jump-start. I tried to look for anger or resentment, but there was nothing, just that same hopeful smile that Easton always seemed to be able to give me, even when I was sure I didn’t deserve it. “These boxes are for Ari’s move.”

Of course, they were.

“Ah.”

When we got to the living room, we made our way to the couch and Easton kept looking at me in that way that meant that serious conversation was not going to happen for much longer, so I said the rest of what needed to be said. “Will that interview affect your job?” I asked as I grabbed his hand, unable to stop touching him now that I’d started.