Page 43 of American Love Story

Except I hadn’t imagined how his hands trembled on my face as he kissed me.

“I’m not sure if this is the right person for me. Being with me is complicated for him. I think it feels like he’s compromising his ideals.”

“Are these ideals worth sacrificing yourself for?”

“Yes.” I thought about Tyren, Ari, Ron, and the fact that, to me, what was happening in town was a concern, even an inconvenience, but to them, it was a threat. No, Patrice’s inner struggle about us was not completely unwarranted. Still, I looked at my grandfather, hoping he had some magical solution to my problem.

“Then don’t make him.” The tightening in my gut at the finality in his words confirmed I’d been lying to myself all morning. I had not given up on having something with Patrice.

My grandpa’s strong grip snatched me back to his attention. “It’s not about giving up, son, it’s about you letting him know that his ideals are valuable to you, too.” He held up a hand as I was about to refute his solution. “I know that you’ve probably said so to him, but you can’t just say it, you need to figure out a way to actually let him see it. Meet him halfway, just make sure he and you both know that keepingyouis worthwhile, too.”

Emma chimed in, of course. “I wish you could see what we see, East. You’re not just good at your job, you’re an amazing guy and I’m sure Professor Hottie knows that, too. He keeps coming back, doesn’t he?” I smiled at her nickname for Patrice, but stayed quiet, figuring myself out.

The truth was, no matter how much I wanted to take what they were saying and run with it, things kept getting more complicated, and this morning hurt. If there really was any chance of us moving forward, I couldn’t keep making the first move, or letting Patrice act like whatever happened was him not thinking. No, I agreed with Grandpa. I could meet Patrice halfway, but for any of this to work, next time he would have to step up, too.

chapter eleven

patrice

I walked up to Easton’s apartment feeling all kinds of inadequate. He’d left my house this morning looking defeated and shamed. I’d done that with my shitty behavior, and I had to fix it, or I could at least try to make amends. I knocked on the door twice and then remembered there was a buzzer, but before I could press the button, the door opened.

I’d been prepared for pajamas or sweats, but Easton in denim cutoffs and an oversized University of Buffalo sweatshirt, wearing adorable woolly socks, had an intense effect on me.

I sucked in a breath as I held up the bag of Vietnamese take out I’d picked up from a place Nesto kept raving about. There was a bite in the air, and I thought some pho might be a decent peace offering.

“I brought you dinner.” I shuffled my feet some, and felt awkward as hell as I made myself say the rest of what I’d come here to do. “And an apology.”

For a second, Easton hesitated, his eyebrows furrowed like this turn of events had completely thrown him off. He turned his head to the side and looked behind himself, as if the food had to be for an imaginary roommate, then he stepped out into the hallway.

I was not being invited in. Okay, I deserved that.

I backed up to give him space and his eyes were giving me no quarter. “You don’t owe me anything.” The finality in his tone was not easy to hear.

I hoped he could see how fucked up I felt about how things had ended with us this morning. I hoped he knew what to do about this, about us, because I was lost.

I was about to try to tell him that when he sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he looked tired. “I’m really tired, Patrice.”

I didn’t know how the rest of his day had gone, but I sure as shit knew I had not made it any better. Groveling or apologizing for fuckboy behavior was not exactly in my wheelhouse, either. I usually got out before shit got anywhere near complicated. But I was doing this, because if anything, I wasn’t going to let Easton think that he deserved to be treated like he didn’t matter.

“I’m not sure why I thought showing up at your house with two tubs full of soup was a great idea, but I figured I at least owed you some dinner,” I said in a friendly tone that didn’t get me more of a reaction. If his intention was to make me squirm, things were certainly going as planned.

His expression still gave me nothing, and the desperation I felt made me think of something Nesto told me. I had to stop pretending, because right now, all I could think of was that I would doanythingto make him smile again. To have him talk to me like he wanted me here. The urge to plead for another chance was on the tip of my tongue; I didn’t even know what I’d ask for. I just knew I wanted more time with him.

We stood there in silence. Easton’s eyes on me, and his gaze completely serious. “Why are you really here, Patrice?”

I squirmed under his scrutiny, the way his entire body seemed to be asking the question.

He didn’t have to make this easier for me. So far, he’d spent every minute we’d been together accommodating my hang-ups.Smiling through all the mixed signals I kept sending his way, unrelenting in his honesty about how he felt about me. He told me again and again that he wanted me. That the rest we could figure out as we went. Such a dangerous proposition for me, to jump in with my eyes closed. Easton made me want to be heedless, to take a chance on him. I hated myself a little bit for getting him to give up on us.

Tonight I was getting the full treatment from Assistant District Attorney Easton Archer. He just stood there, his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the wall by his door, patiently waiting for me crumble under his stare.

He was going to make me say it, and really, I owed both of us that much. If I’d gotten anything from Ari’s words today, it was that I needed to stop acting like what I felt for Easton was something that was just happening to me.

I opened my mouth to say some other asinine reason for why I was standing here, but before I started, I closed my mouth. He deserved better than this, than me making shit up just to keep from admitting to why I was here. I was deliberate in every other part of my life. I had to stop acting like my heart didn’t deserve the same intention.

“That’s not true.” I shook my head as he stared at me. “I mean, it’s true I thought you might be hungry. I’m not here just because of that though. I wanted to see you. And apologize for acting like an asshole…again.”

This finally got me a reaction in the form or a slightly raised eyebrow, but still his lips were sealed. But now I was committed, so I finally told the truth. “I always want to see you. I always wantyou.”Admitting felt like a dam broke inside me because suddenly I could not stop talking. “It sort of freaks me out how much.” Easton parted his lips like he was about to say something, but I had to get all of this out. No matter what happened between the two of us, I needed to make sure thatEaston heard this. “I’m tired of fighting myself about wanting you, Easton.”