Page 121 of The Art of Almost Losing It
“Dani, you’re just going to have to go au naturel.”
I shriek as Gran pulls off my top.
“Gran!”
My bra chooses that moment to give up the ghost.
“I told you, girls as well-endowed as us cannot have a front-close clasp.”
I’m busy trying to stuff myself back together as Gran pulls out nail scissors and starts coming after me.
“There are hairs on those titties. You can’t scare the man off. He’s a billionaire, not a werewolf.”
“Don’t cut off her nipple, Gran. She’s going to need that!”
“I’ve got it, just stop moving…”Snip!“There! You don’t want to wax these things. That is a recipe for disaster, let me tell you.”
Gran’s back digging in the boxes as I stuff myself into the white dress.
“Nice little surprise once he makes it past the snipers.” She tosses a tiny scrap of lace at me.
“This better not be from your wedding dress. I wanted to wear that!”
“It’s a thong. Get with the times.”
“I’m not wearing that.” I hand it back to her.
“Going commando! I like your spirit, girlfriend!”
“Now, I’ve got you handcuffs, a blindfold, a ball gag.” She stuffs them in a white tote. “Piper, do you think she’s coordinated enough for these ankle cuffs?”
“Absolutely not.”
“You’re right. I’d better keep these for me. You need to come to my Strong is for Seniors workout class. Uzman leads it. He’s a bodybuilder and is fiiiiine.” Gran whistles. “I always tell him there’s so much eye candy here the workout doesn’t do anything.”
I feel faint.
“Now, we aren’t going to get you reverse-cowgirl ready in an afternoon, so you really need to play into the ‘I’m a helpless little virgin, throw me down and have your way with me,’” Piper tells me.
“She’s right. Don’t get too complicated with him.” Gran does a sexy shimmy that I’d look like I was possessed by an alien if I attempted. “Throw the handcuffs at him.”
“What if he says no?”
Gran hands me a milky-white dildo in a package that screams,Take Her to Pound Town!It’s got blue sparkly veins.
“Tell Graham to use that on you then, if he’s so afraid. A little friendly competition and you’ll be pregnant by Monday.”
“I literally can’t,” I gasp.
“It’s easy to use.” Gran pushes the button on the side of the package that saysTEST ME!
The thing starts vibrating and singing.
I scream.
“Is this the one that spurts out fake jizz at you?” Piper peers at it.
“You shouldn’t squirt things up your vagina,” I groan. “That’s a health issue.”
