Page 112 of The Art of Almost Losing It
“He what?” Piper breathes.
“Stop. It’s not that deep. He ran us off the road when I told him I made Kraig cookies.”
Piper inhales her wine. “What the hell? Dani!”
“I don’t think he was actually trying to hurt me. I mean, Lulu was in the car, and he likes Lulu.”
“No, dude. This guy is into you.”
“No, he’s not.”
“Men who go violent and ragey when you so much as look at another man? He’s into you.”
“Or maybe he just hates his stepbrother.”
“Okay, so he’ll fuck you just to get back at his brother. Either way, you get your cherry popped.” She grabs my hand and drags me up off the couch. “Trust your cousin. You’ll see.”
“You’re making him penis cookies?”
“No, Gran! They’re supposed to be dogs.”
“I tell them to chill the dough.” Ronaldo turns up his nose. “The girls, they do not listen.”
We peer at the cookies in the oven.
“See, that’s the dog’s head.”
“That dog has some of the biggest balls I’ve ever seen.” Gran blows the chef a kiss. “Aside from yours, Ronaldo.”
“I will not cook for your granddaughters and then be insulted.” Ronaldo starts packing up the pasta he made.
“No, no! Don’t take the leftovers!”
“Dammit, girls, I thought he might be the one!” Gran stomps back in. Her other boy toy is sitting at the kitchen table with us while I try to take photos of the cookies.
“You need to light the cookies.” He’s chastising us. “Don’t you have a nice plate?”
“Here, let’s add maybe, like, a plant or something. You have to fill the frame. Fill the frame!”
“Fine, you do it.”
“No. Don’t give him your phone.” Gran slaps my hand and turns on the aging hipster. “I just got a notice that someone used my credit card to make a purchase.”
“How dare you accuse me!”
“It’s not even shipping to this address,” Gran rails.
“I was buying a present for you!” The hipster waves his arms.
“Out! Get out!”
“Gran, don’t throw that cookie at him.”
The hipster curses when a penis cookie hits the side of his face.
“Crazy old bat!”
The front door slams.
