Page 274 of The Art of Almost Losing It
I grab Dani and swing her off the stage while her granny storms it.
“Who wants open mic night?”
“I have a poem I’d like to read.” One of Dani’s very drunk out-of-town aunts stumbles up onto the stage.
“Absolutely not—who invited her? Also, she’s going to steal the presents.”
“I’m not!” the aunt slurs. “Your gigolo is stealing the presents!”
“Magnus the Marvelous has arrived! However, he needs his parking validated before he can begin the show!”
Sure enough, there’s a man in a big black cape.
“Man, weddings really bring the roaches out of the woodwork,” Piper mutters to Dani.
“Gran, did you invite him?” Dani demands in horror.
“Ooh, is this the famous dildo magic show? Now I’m really glad I canceled dinner with your parents for this, Frank!” Mom grins.
“You need to leave.” Dani hurries toward the magician. “We are not paying you.”
“Magnus the Marvelous requires payment up front.”
“Then he needs to leave.”
“But the parking—”
“Fine, I will validate it, but then you need to go.”
Suddenly, the doors to the ballroom slam open.
“Delivery for Danielle Lockwood?”
A kid pushes in a cart stacked with pizza boxes.
“Dani, did you order more food?” her mom demands.
“I didn’t order that!” she insists.
Jeremy raises his hand. “Colette wouldn’t let me order pizza. It’s my wedding, too, and I want pizza.”
The younger kids cheer.
An elderly woman approaches us as I’m counting out bills for the pizza.
“I have to ask,” Mrs. Prescott says, “are the rumors true?”
“Yes, I did kidnap Dani off a street corner,” I tell her solemnly.
“You two are so funny. Now—there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know you met online. Was it a fancy billionaire dating site?”
“Actually, just a standard message board,” Dani says faintly.
“That’s where my daughter met her boyfriend! Not weird at all. Though I tell people they met at a polo charity match.” She sighs. “There’s no romance to saying you met online. Don’t forget my garden party. I expect to see you there!”
I lean down to kiss Dani. “Can I kidnap you for this garden party?”
“You don’t have to kidnap me,” she says. “I’d stalk you there anyway.”
