Page 178 of The Art of Almost Losing It
“You have to burn that! Forget I ever sent it!” I try to grab the printout.
“Look at it. Oh my God. Jesus in Heaven, it’s beautiful.” Gran shoves the photo at her boy toy. “You’re not anywhere near this big. This is—what? A foot long?”
They all stare at me.
“I don’t know how long it was. I mean, it felt long.”
“Dani, you need to go back there with a tape measure.” Gran goes to the junk drawer and starts pawing around for one.
“Gran, you can’t just send this out to people. Piper, why did you send this to her?”
“You sent it while she was doing my eyebrows!” Piper cries. “What was I supposed to do? Mess up my eyebrows to save Graham’s dignity?”
“We need to share this with the people.” Gran raises the photo. “This is the shit that causes a feminist awakening. You have an obligation to help your fellow woman throw off the shackles of the patriarchy.”
“Do we really want to be encouraging men to send unsolicited dick pics, though?” I say desperately.
“Damn right we do, if they look like this. Hot guys only.”
“I don’t think Graham wants that floating around. Actually, he definitely doesn’t…”
Gran’s taping it up over the fireplace when the front door opens. I hear voices, then Mom screams when she sees the photo.
“Oh my God, Dani, what is that!”
“Oh my word.” Vivienne puts a hand to her chest as my mom tries to shove Gran out of the way to rip the photo down.
“Your daughter finally has a boyfriend”—Gran slaps Mom with a couch pillow—“and you’re trying to discourage it? Get your priorities in order, woman.”
“Is that where you ran off to? Don’t you know that we have the couples shower for your brother and your best friend?” Mom swats me with the wedding magazine she’s carrying.
“At least he likes her, Linda.” My dad smirks as he heads to the kitchen. “Bought you more condoms, Beans.” Dad winks at me.
“Condoms? Funny. Colette was telling me at brunch the other day that she thinks you’re trying to baby trap him.”Vivienne smiles at me, and Mom’s face freezes. “I wouldn’t blame you—this is the first man who’s shown even mild interest in you, and the only one who probably ever will, for whatever reason. So go ahead and lock that down, I say. More power to you.”
Yeah. Colette learned at the feet of the mean-girl master.
Vivienne studies the photo like it’s fine art.
“All I can say is he better marry you, Dani,” Mom fumes.
“I don’t know if their relationship is built on mutual trust. I think it’s just built on sex, Aunt Linda.”
“Stop saying that word in this house,” Mom hisses.
“If you said it more often, maybe she wouldn’t need to baby trap a billionaire to move out,” Gran rails.
“Oh, he wants you to move in, Dani? Interesting. Colette thought it might be more of a passing fling, that he might be bored. Good to know the man is serious. For now, of course. Such fickle creatures, men.” Vivienne give me a syrupy smile.
“He’s more interested in having her in his penthouse than you’ll ever know,” Piper shoots back. “He wants her there permanently. Has from day one. Right, Dani?”
I gulp.
Vivienne’s giving me an assessing look.
Mom tries to herd Vivienne back to the door. “I’m sorry, Vivienne, I don’t know what’s gotten into Dani. Now go get dressed, Dani. We need to be there to help with any final touches.”
“She’s finally got a man in her life,” Gran calls, “and you want her doing manual labor? She needs to do her nails.”
