Page 176 of Heal Me, Love Me

“You’re not.”

“I have been.”

Nothing I could say would make that untrue. “Then we stop.”

His laugh was quiet and sad. “Just like that?”

“No. Probably notjust like that. We’re pretty bad at this.”

“Yeah, we are.”

“But I love you.”

His eyes met mine. “Yeah, and I broke up with you.”

“I know.”

“And you still love me?”

I stared at him, at the bruising already spreading along his jaw, at the eyes I’d watched through windows, across gyms, across cages, and through every bad decision we’d made. “I loved you before I knew what love was. I was ten years old, picking a bedroom because the window faced yours. I didn’t know why it mattered so much. I just knew you were next door, and suddenly Sacramento didn’t feel like another place I’d have to leave.”

His lips parted, but nothing came out.

“I loved you when you tapped on my window and climbed into my room as if it were yours too. I loved you when we playedHalo Warsinstead of talking about whatever happened at yourhouse. I loved you when you sat with my parents at my jiu-jitsu tournament, and I won gold, and all I cared about was that you showed up.

“I loved you when I told you I wanted you in my future, and I loved you even after you stopped talking to me. I loved you when I left for the Air Force and saw you standing in your window, letting me go without a word.”

“Rowan.”

I continued. “After LA, even when I thought I’d lost you again, loving you didn’t go anywhere. It followed me into my parents’ living room when I finally told them about us, down to the river when I didn’t know what came next, and to the front door the night you showed up for our first real date.”

A tear slid down his cheek, but I kept going.

“When Grant wanted me in Florida, I hated the thought of leaving you, but I loved you for trying to give me room to take the opportunity. You saw what Atlantic Combat could mean for me before I could say it out loud, and you still tried to let me want it, even though I knew it hurt you.

“And I loved you when you broke up with me.” I held on to his hand. “I was pissed. I was hurt. I didn’t understand how you could walk away after everything we’d been through, but I still loved you.”

“Ro.”

“I loved you through every round I trained to fight you, even when all of it felt wrong. And tonight, across from me in that cage, no matter what anyone calls this, you were never just another fighter to me.”

He was crying now, and he didn’t try to hide it.

“So, yeah. I still love you. I loved you before I knew what to call it, and I love you now, even after all the ways we’ve fucked this up. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I ever will.”

“I don’t deserve that,” he whispered. “I broke up with you, and I let that fight happen. I stood across from you tonight, knowing who we were and what we’d already been through, and I still stepped into that cage.”

“So did I.”

“Yeah, but I tried to convince myself walking away was the right thing to do, like I was saving us from hurting more.” He gave a slight shake of his head. “I wasn’t saving anything. I was scared, and I made it your problem.”

“Baby.”

His breath caught on the word, and he pulled me closer until there was barely any space left between us. “I love you. I love you so much I thought leaving would hurt less than watching us slowly fall apart. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.”

“I’m here.”

“I know.” His forehead rested against my chest. “That’s what kills me.”