Page 141 of Heal Me, Love Me

“That doesn’t mean we’re done,” I replied.

“No, but we’re already struggling, and this is before the next fight, the next camp, and whatever else they ask of us.”

“We’re trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. It’s not supposed to be easy,” I argued.

“Right, but it shouldn’t already feel like we’re losing pieces of each other.”

That hurt because I couldn’t pretend he was wrong. I’d felt the strain of being apart at the airport when Mom asked about Christmas, and I couldn’t promise I’d come home. Keaton and I had to work around training and recovery, relying on phone calls and whatever flights we could manage. But I’d kept telling myself we’d already lost four years, and now that we finally had another chance, that had to mean something. “That doesn’t mean the distance has to break us.”

“Maybe not.” He dragged both hands over his face, then let them drop. “But I think it’s already making us ask for less than we need or deserve.”

I stared at his shoes instead of his face. “What does that even mean?”

“It means I keep waiting for the right time to miss you. To need you. To tell you I’m having a shitty day and want my boyfriend without feeling guilty because I know you’reexhausted from training.” He took in a rough breath. “And I know you’re doing the same thing.”

I lifted my eyes before I could stop myself, and seeing the tears on his face almost took the rest of my control with it. “So we try harder.”

“We’vebeentrying.”

“Then wekeeptrying!”

“For how long?” Keaton wiped under his eyes again. “Until I hate Florida because it has you, and I don’t? Until you hate California because I’m there and you can’t be? Until one of us starts saying no to opportunities because being apart hurts too much?”

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I know, and that’s the problem. You’d never ask me, and I’d never ask you. So we’d both keep choosing our careers and feel guilty about it.”

“I don’t feel guilty for wanting this.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“I don’t feel guilty for wanting you either.”

“I know.”

I reached for him, then stopped with my hand between us. “Then why isn’t that enough?”

“Because wanting each other doesn’t put us in the same place, and living for stolen moments just isn’t enough.”

The words were simple enough to hurt because they were true. “That’s it?” I asked. “You came here to watch me win, then break up with me because the distance got too hard?”

“I came here because I love you.”

“Then don’t do this.” I hated the desperation in my voice, but I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t want to. Pride didn’t matter when Keaton was only a few feet away, crying and telling me he loved me, but still choosing to believe we were better off apart. I’d already lost him once because I’d been too scared to reach forhim when it counted. I wasn’t going to sit there and pretend I was strong enough to let him go without asking him to stay.

“Stay tonight.” I stood, and he moved back. “We don’t have to decide everything right now. You’re tired. I’m tired. This night has been a lot. Stay, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

He stared at me, and for a second, I thought he might give in. “Don’t ask me to do that.”

“I’m not asking. I’m begging you, baby.”

His face crumpled, but he didn’t say anything.

“It’s always been you,” I admitted. “Even when I hurt you back in high school. Even when I tried to tell myself I could move on. Even when you hated me. It was always you.”

“Rowan.”

“I only want you. I’ve only ever wanted you, and now you’re telling me we can’t be together.” I swallowed, but it didn’t ease the lump in my throat. “I just want you to love me as much as I love you.”