Page 29 of Falling for the Unexpected

“Stop!” I said, putting my hand up. “I act like an asshole because everyone expects me to be sad or talk about what happened. If it makes you or other people feel better—great. Really. But it doesn’t help me. The facts remain the same.” I paused, taking a breath. I wasn’t mad at Addie, I just didn’t want to do this anymore. “She died, it sucked. It sucked even more that I was the one who found her, but it’s done. I don’t need to talk about it or deal with it every year. Nothing I do now will ever change what happened back then,” I groaned. Rubbing my temples, I finally looked up and met my sister’s gaze. She looked pissed.

“You may think it’s done but it’s not and it won’t be until you finally deal with it. You don’t come out of a childhood like ours completely unscathed,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Mom and Dad were poor examples of a healthy relationship, and the way they forgot about us has closed you off to certain things. We’ve both worked hard at not being anything like either one of our parents. I think we’ve done a great job, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect how we see and interact with other people. I know how you are, and you can’t live a life where Trent, Erik, Ian, and I are the only people you trust.”

“I trust Jim and Marla, too,” I joked, hoping to distract myself from the truth my baby sister was throwing at me.

“You know what I mean,” she said, not letting it go. “I just want you to live life happily, without worrying about when things will go wrong.”

I sighed, throwing my glasses on my desk. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, trying to not sound annoyed but Addie was making that tough. “Live life happily? Who says I’m unhappy?” I didn’t feel like I was at all. I had a great life. Wonderful friends, a great sister —most of the time, and a job I loved. What more could I ask for? I was getting more irritated by the second. “And I don’t ‘worry about when things will go wrong’, or whatever you meant by that.”

It was Addie’s turn to sigh loudly. “Outside of your small circle of trust, you’ve kept yourself insolated. You don’t attempt to make new relationships,” she said, almost accusingly.

“And your point?” I drawled, bemused.

“When’s the last time you had an actual relationship with a woman?”

I rolled my eyes. “You, Marla, and now Simone and Stella.”

“I mean, romantically, smartass,” she interrupted and poked me in the arm. “Before anything meaningful can develop, you bail.”

“Are you dating?” I asked, turning the tables on her.

She wagged a finger at me. “Nice try, but my situation is different from yours. My trust issues aren’t rooted in my childhood, or even Brad’s betrayal—”

“What if I want to be a bachelor for the rest of my life?” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“Why’d you buy that huge four-bedroom house?” she shot back, then smiled gleefully when I had no answer.

Gah! My sister was infuriating sometimes. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want a relationship that eventually turns into something more—”

“Exactly! Subconsciously, you do want to have a family, but you can’t commit and you don’t allow yourself to even try.”

“Maybe I haven’t met the woman worth trying for?” I piped up, exasperated.

She gave a soft snort. “When have you ever taken a risk on anyone or anything…?”

I wanted to ignore everything she had said but, of course, she had a point when it came to my past. I hadn’t really dealt with our dad leaving and our mom dying. It was easier to just live in the present. Maybe Addie was right. I knew deep down that my issues with my parents kept me from pursuing meaningful relationships.

Truthfully, if what had happened to Addie in her relationship with Brad had happened to me, I know for a fact my reaction would have been a lot worse than hers. I would have let that betrayal in and allowed it consume me, and eventually destroy me. Addie had been devastated but she’d weathered that moment and chose to not let it rule her life. I knew that her concept and understanding about relationships, in general, was likely a lot more realistic and open than my idea of it. I just had a very difficult time seeing things her way.

What if I wasn’t as different from my dad as I wanted to believe? What if I put my trust in someone and they lied to me repeatedly like my mom had? Or left me when I thought I could rely on them, and had truly believed they’d be there for me, no matter what? Addie was right. Our parents’ actions had done a number on me and they’d shaped who I was now. I was afraid to let anyone in and give them the chance to damage me even more. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go through that again, and survive.

*****

After the intense conversation with Addie, I needed to get out of the office. Luckily I had told Simone that I would stop by her apartment to discuss the Marital Settlement Agreement. The informal meeting hadn’t taken long, just an hour. I had planned on leaving after we’d gone over the details, but Simone wanted to take Stella out to play. It was sunny, hardly a breeze, and the best weather we’d had in days. She’d invited me to join them and I couldn’t say no. So I didn’t.

I walked the few blocks with the girls to the park and found a bench by the large playground area. It was a popular spot and pretty busy. Parents drank from coffee mugs and idly watched over their kids while chatting it up with the neighbors.

I watched Stella for a few minutes. “She seems happy,” I noted and glanced over at Simone, sitting on my right.

“She is, she really is…” Simone smiled softly toward her daughter, who was playing in the sandbox with a couple other toddlers.

I dug into my messenger bag and took out my phone to take a few pictures of her playing. I wasn’t one to take constant photos of myself or document everything I did on social media. In fact, I barely had a footprint on the Internet, but I couldn’t deny myself a selfie of Simone and me, which she agreed to with a charming laugh. I had an urge to analyze the picture of us but refrained, just barely. I leaned back and just enjoyed the morning and the lovely company.

She turned slightly toward me after a couple seconds, a hand on my arm. “Kyle, I wanted to thank you for recommending Dr. Hamilton. I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciate you suggesting therapy. She’s been really great and has helped me a lot this past month. I knew I had issues about my past and my childhood but… she’s been amazing.”

I wrapped my free hand over hers and smiled. “Of course. Stephanie works with the courts quite often and she’s an excellent therapist.”

Some flicker of emotion crossed Simone’s face before she looked down then back at me. “Stephanie…?” She paused. “Oh.Dr. Hamilton’s name… You two are… close?” she asked, her voice guarded.