Page 86 of Lost and Found

“Whichyou learned from,” he says. “We got it fixed and you got better at it and you rode that bike until you couldn’t anymore.” He turns to me and takes his typical stance. Arms crossed. Legs braced. All he’s missing is his stern frown. “That distancing thing, though, and what you’re doing with Bea . . . In the biz, aka therapy, those are examples of attachment styles.”

“I’d like to never hear you sayin the bizever again.”

“The bike was avoidant attachment. I think what you’re experiencing with Bea is anxious attachment . . . er, actually maybe it’s also a form of avoidant? I’d have to check the book.” He scratches his head. “This is why it’s important to get advice from a licensed therapist.”

I give him an incredulous look. “Ellis, therewas noadvice in that statement whatsoever. You tried to give something a name, and you’re not even certain if it’s the right one!”

“All right, here. Let me try this again.” He rakes a hand through his hair, wipes over his mustache, and sinks to his haunches six feet away. “All I know is, not communicating your needs, not communicating in general, even when you don’t want to burden the people you love . . . All you’re doing is minimizing yourself. Bea didn’t fall in love with the minimized version of you. Don’t rob her ofyou.”

I do my best to give him a grateful smile. He searches me until he’s satisfied, nods, then walks off toward the trucks, whistling gaily as he goes. Uncanny.

I finish my lunch and mull over what he said. I don’t think he has it totally right. I don’t think I’m withholding myself or making myself smaller. I’m just . . . trying to take my cues from Bea. I feel like I’m still on a trial run. A probationary period where I’m being assessed for my dream job. I’m not sure how to become less aware of that.

In my dingy hotel room that night, I get a picture message from Bea.

Still into this tree, btw.

It’s the giant oak in the backyard with the lights twinkling in the branches. There’s one thick limb that shoots off straighter than the rest and it’d be perfect to hang a swing from one day. There’s plenty enough yard for a whole playground, too. Maybe even a trampoline. My brothers and I could build a dream playhouse in the other corner. Saying any of this feels like it might be too much.

Stop trying to make me jealous of my own tree, I text.How’d you feel today?

Good. I got sick when I brushed my teeth this morning but otherwise felt great all day. Tired, though. Wanted to catch you before I went to bed.

I notice the picture is from the upper floor.Not sleeping in my bed anymore?

Another image comes through. She’s back in her bed but still wearing one of my shirts. It calms some caveman part of me to know I’m still on her skin.

I put your bedding in the wash a few hours ago when I was still a person with energy and willpower, and unfortunately, it’s not dry yet.

I send her a picture back.Miss you.

Silas!! You’re gonna stretch that out, lol!Comes her reply.

What? I figured if you were stealing my shirts I had free rein to steal one of yours.It’s a little tight across the shoulders and chest. It’s tight all over, really. But it’s faded and soft and it made me chuckle when I plucked it out of the laundry. It saysYOU CAN GO TO HELL. I’M GOING TO TOYOTATHON.

I like it on you, she texts.And I miss you, too.

I’ll let you get to sleep.

Good night xx

I’m not going to overthink her not telling me she loves me. I’m hoping to play my cards well enough that I’ll have a whole lifetime to hear her say it.

Sweet dreams.

CHAPTER 33

Now

Bea

Silas is changing his mind. At least, I think he might be having second thoughts. Maybe I pushed telling his family too quickly.

No, that’s not it. He’d been happy about telling them. Maybe a little more nervous than I’d imagined, but happy nonetheless.

Maybe he’s just considering everything deeply and that’s why he’s been strained and distracted every time we’ve spoken. That and he’s probably just plain exhausted.

Iwantedhim to feel like he was safe to reconsider, right?