Page 13 of Knot Your Pucking Secret

She gives me a soft, solemn smile. “No, Sasha. You are not.”

I nod, even as the first tears begin to drip down my cheeks. Even though I know she is just saying these things to make me feel better about myself, something in me still pains to hear those words. To hear that I might not be a lost cause after all. To know that I’m not someone who should just be discarded. Though they’d have the right to walk away from me after everything I did. I lost their trust. I don’t expect to earn it back overnight. If the situation were in reverse, I’d probably walk away too. But to hear that at the end of all of this, I might be someone worth keeping. That I could be the person—the Alpha—they deserve one day. That I might actually have a chance of standing beside my Omega again. That’s the reason I wake up every morning.

I shut the front door gently, not wanting to draw any attention to myself more than I already have. The pack has been splintered for months now. I’ve hardly spoken to either of my mates since we watched Lennon walk from our lives with little more than a backwards glance and a big ‘fuck you’to me. Not that I blame her. Who wouldn’t after everything? I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now. I don’t have Holden, I don’t even have Dominic to rely on to be my calm as I have all these years. That job has to be mine, and only mine if I’m ever going to get through this. Which means, all I have are my thoughts and they seem to consume me day in and day out in their absence. They’re here, but not. Present. But not in the way they used to be. The rift I created, the harm I caused. It’s everywhere in our home. It’s not their job to make it go away. It’s mine. And I won’t lie and say that it hasn’t been hard, because it has.

Every quiet moment is another opportunity for my mind to replay everything I did to her. To them. Every word. Every lie. Every look of fear that should never have existed between an Alpha and his pack. The only thing that keeps me going on the days it feels easier to disappear beneath the weight of it all is the feeling in my chest that has finally started to shift. That heaviness that has sat over my heart for so long no longer feels quite like suffocating. Little by little, the edges have begun to soften. Not enough for me to breathe freely, but enough to remind me that maybe I won’t feel like I’m drowning forever.

Walking into the kitchen, I pause, finding Dominic fixing himself a sandwich. The smell of fresh bread and toasted cheese hits me immediately. Something in my stomach rolls at seeing food. I haven’t eaten today. I think I may have had a packet of crisps yesterday. Maybe the day before. The days have all blurred together and without my pack, without hockey keeping me focused, I’m all over the place with time.

My own hunger hasn’t been something I have even given the smallest amount of attention to. The pain in my heart has long outweighed the pain in my stomach.

Dominic looks up, hearing the shuffling of my feet. For a split second, our eyes meet. He looks away first, and the loss only makes the feeling in my stomach worsen.

“Want a sandwich?” he asks, before straightening his shoulders and focusing on the task at hand. There isn’t any bite in his voice. No accusation. No warmth either. Just… exhaustion.

I swallow roughly before I reply, “Ah, yeah.”

The words scrape up my throat like broken glass, and I chew on my lip, anxiously wondering what the fuck am I supposed to do in this situation. What should I say? Do I ask how his day was? Do we talk about the weather? I used to be confident in myself. In my decisions. But now that I have fucked everything up, I don’t trust myself not to ruin what semblance of a relationship we have left. I’ve already made a fucking mess of things.

It's easier to remain quiet.

I take a seat at the bench, patiently watching Dominic. Maybe being here is enough. Maybe he’ll see the things I cannot say. He doesn’t owe me anything. I don’t expect him to talk to me. But…I miss him.them, and it’s killing me.

“How are you?” he eventually mutters, filling the silent space between us. He doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t look at me, and I get it. I do. But there’s a neutral tone to his voice, one that I can’t decide if it unsettles or calms me.

“I have been going to therapy,” I say roughly, inwardly cursing myself because who just comes out and says shit like that? He asked how I was, not what I was doing. Fucking idiot.

My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a box of gravel. I didn’t tell either of my partners that I was even considering therapy. To bequite frank, I was under the assumption that they couldn’t have cared less about what I did with my time anymore. Something that I keep telling myself not to take to heart. This…this rift is my own doing. The aftermath is my penance. Dominic pauses, his body rigid for a brief moment before finally turning around to face me. His eyes are blown wide, his mouth slightly open, shocked by my truth.

“Oh.”

I sigh and give him a quick nod, gazing down at the kitchen counter because I can’t bring myself to look at him right now. I can’t see the expression on his face as I say my next words. It's a coward’s act, I know. But I can’t see the hurt on his face anymore. It will break me.

“It is my fault that Lennon left us. My actions are the ones that caused her to leave. To be pushed out of the team. I forced both you and Holden to go along with my plans. Even when you questioned my choices. I fucking guilted you both into following me. Into destroying our Omega with little thought of what consequences my actions would deliver. I had been so…”

I trail off, shaking my head in disgust at myself. At the cowardice I showed. At my blindness.

“...consumed,” I finally choke out. “I let what my father did to me all those years obliterate the person I am. Let it bleed over into the one good thing I had going for me. Now, both you and Holden have to suffer because I’m a fucking mess.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat, as I do the one thing I’ve not been able to do before. Admit to the love of my life that I’m broken.

“I destroyed us, Dom.”

For a moment he remains silent, but I still don’t look up. What would I even find? Disappointment? Pity? Anger? I just, I can’t do it.

“Baby…”

His words crack, and my heart feels like it’s in a vice as his voice washes over me like a bond trying to stitch itself back together through torn flesh. It burns. It aches. Hanging in the space between us like smoke from a fire I started but could never put out. “It wasn’t just you who destroyed this pack, Sasha. All three of us had a hand in pushing our Omega away from us. You may have led the charge but we followed you.”

I shake my head again. “No, Dominic. It was mine—”

I jump as Dominic’s fist slams down against the bench. The crack echoes through the kitchen. My eyes dart up to meet his face. He’s furious. His jaw clenched. Eyes wild as they stare down at the fist on the counter. His face flushed red. Every instinct inside of me screams to stand. To meet his anger with my own. To remind him that I’m still the Alpha of this pack. Instead, I stay exactly where I am.

“No, Sasha!” he barks. “Give us some fucking credit. We’re not just a pair of blind little puppies that follow you to wherever you decide to take us. Just…stop.” He sighs, pulling a deep breath into his lungs before finally meeting my eyes. “We made our choice. You. Sasha. You are our choice. Holden and I hold just as much responsibility. We should have been stronger. Fought you harder. Should have protected her. But we didn’t. We allowed every single thing that happened to happen. So just stop.”

I want to fight him on this but I can’t. There isn’t anything left in me anymore. There’s just…nothing. A hole where my anger used to simmer. I can’t even summon the want to feel that way anymore.

“You are the one thing I seek when I open my eyes in the morning, and the last thing I crave when I close them at night. Everything I do. Every choice I make. Every sacrifice. It’s because I love you, Sasha. Because the only thing that matters to me is you. I love Holden, and fuck, I love our Omega, too. I won’t fucking deny it. But, Sasha. Without you? I’m nothing. You’remy best friend. My love. My Alpha. And I refuse to lose you to your guilt after we’ve already lost Lennon toourmistakes.”