Page 116 of Discretion at Its Finest

But my hands were already shaking when I reached for my jacket.

I’d be back. I… I’d come back.

My hands shook as I crept down the hallway, jacket clenched in one fist, keys digging into my palm. Every step felt like it scraped the floorboards raw.

I stopped outside Eugene’s room.

Just… just one more kiss goodnight.

I pushed the door open an inch. Moonlight spilled over him as he lay sprawled sideways across the bed like he’d fallen asleep mid-thought. His cheek was squished against the pillow, his little fist curled near his mouth as he drooled.

My throat closed.

I walked to him on unsteady feet, leaned down, and pressed a trembling kiss to his forehead. His hair was warm, soft like always. He smelled like baby shampoo and the lavender spray Cara used. My tears hit the pillow before I could stop them. I needed to remember this. I needed to memorize him, but I couldn’t stay there forever.

“I love you, Lovebug,” I whispered into his skin. “Always.”

I didn’t let myself linger. If I did, I’d never get out of this room.

I straightened, biting the inside of my cheek hard enough to taste blood, and slipped out before he could stir.

The nursery was next. Brielle slept curled like a little doll, her tiny chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm. Her little fingers twitched from whatever dream she was having and my legs nearly gave out.

I gripped the crib rail to stay upright, shaking so badly it rattled the wood. My mouth fell open in a silent sob, shoulders folding inward. I pressed my forehead to the rail.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I didn’t pick her up.

If I held her… I would never put her down again. Instead, I forced myself to step back, wiping my face with a hand that barely functioned anymore.

Jacket over my arm. Keys slipping in my grip. Heels clicking softly against the floor. I made it to the stairs… Down them, across the foyer. I didn’t dare look back.

The front door was right there.

I… I’d come back, right?

I was almost free. Almost gone.I could do this. I—I can do this.

My hand touched the doorknob, the voices in my head fighting to leave, fighting to stay, reminding me it wasn’t a final decision, telling me this was my last one. That I’d come back… that I actually wouldn’t.

My body was shaking so violently I thought my knees would give out again. My breath was coming in short, panicked bursts. Every part of me screamed,Stop, turn around, go back upstairs,don’t do this, don’t leave them—

And then—

“Mom?”

The tiny voice broke something inside me and I turned abruptly.

Eugene stood at the bottom of the staircase, small and sleepy in his mismatched pajamas, hair tousled, eyes glassy with exhaustion… and something else.

Fear.

Time seemed to freeze between us, the sight of him blurry and clear all at once as my tears never stopped. His gaze drifted from my tear-stained face… to the jacket… to the keys… back to me.

“…Hi, Lovebug,” I whispered, voice breaking in half.

He just stared at me. “Where are you going?” he asked softly.