Page 47 of The Illusion
Devon looks down at her hands. "I guess."
"I mean it, Devon. You can trust her. She's solid. She's there for you if you need her. She’s good like that."
Devon laughs. It's a short, bitter sound that doesn't match her face.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing."
Fuck that. She’s not laughing at my wife, the woman who took her in when I was too dumb to realize I’d need to. "No, what does that mean?"
She hesitates, then shakes her head. "It's stupid."
"I'm not asking. Tell me."
She looks at me for a long moment, like she's deciding whether to say it. Then she sighs. "It's just funny, you know? That everyone thinks Julie is so great."
"That’s because sheisgreat."
"I know. I'm not saying she's not." Devon picks at a thread on the bedspread. "But when I look at her all I can think is if it weren't for her, my mom would still be alive."
The words hit me like a punch to the chest. "What the hell does that mean?"
Devon looks up at me, her eyes wide and uncertain. "I shouldn't have said that."
"No. You said it. Now explain it."
She bites her lip. "After you and Julie left that first dinner, Dean told my mom something. He told her he never intended to get married again. That after your mom died, he was done. He didn't want to be tied down."
I tilt my head. "Okay."
"But then he said seeing you with Julie changed his mind. He said it made him realize there was a key for every lock. That men do better when they have good women at their side."
My chest tightens. "He said that?"
"Yeah. He said it wasn't that he wanted anyone like Julie in particular, because she wasn’t what he was looking for. But he said she madeyoubetter. That he was proud of you for locking that down. And that he realized you were better with a partner than you ever were alone."
I can't breathe. My father said that. About Julie. About me.
Devon keeps talking. "He said it made him realize he could be open to it again. To marriage. That if Julie could do that for you, maybe he could find that with someone too. So when he met my mom, he was open to it in a way he hadn't been since your mom died twenty-two years ago."
The room feels like it's closing in on me. Every word she says is hacking another piece of any good inside of me down to fucking nothing… and for a long time, I’ve thought there wasn’t much left to begin with.
"So if he hadn't seen you with Julie," Devon says quietly, "he never would have married my mom. And if he hadn't married my mom, she wouldn't have been in that car. She'd still be alive."
I stand up. I need to move. I need to do something with the rage that's building in my chest. I think about all the times he criticizedme. All the times he made me feel like I wasn't enough. All the times he looked at me with disappointment in his eyes. But Julie? Julie he liked. Julie he was proud of.
And because of her, he cracked open that black crypt he called a fucking heart to Caroline. A woman who probably saw dollar signs and locked him down before anyone could talk sense into him. A woman who could've taken everything. A woman who dragged her daughter into our lives and then died, leaving me to pick up the pieces. And it all happened because of my fucking wife.
A thought hits me, so clear, so sharp, that it cuts through everything else.
If I hadn't married Julie, my father wouldn't have married Caroline. And if he hadn’t married her, I wouldn't be stuck waiting a motherfucking year to learn the details of his trust.
Devon wouldn't be orphaned. I wouldn't be responsible for a traumatized teenager. I wouldn't be drowning under the weight of all this guilt.Juliewas the catalyst. Julie was the reason. I look at Devon. She's watching me with wide, worried eyes. She sees something.
"I'm sorry," she says. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"No." My voice sounds strange. Flat. "It's fine. I'm glad you told me. You need to get that shit out. I get it."
