Page 36 of Bound By Ink

I shake my head and fire up the laptop. I don’t know what will happen with Derren or whether I’ll actually have to tell him what happened, but I think I’ll just take a step back from guys and see how this situation plays out.

My fingers fly over the keys as I lose myself in my work. Becky and I keep giving each other odd looks here and there, talking about mundane things and the projects we’re working on. My phone rings. I flip it on mute and lay it on the table facedown. Not needing to be distracted any more today. I ignore the constant sound as it vibrates on the table.

“Aren’t you gonna see which one of your harem that is?” Becky winks at me, and I groan.

“I don’t want to know who it is or what they want right now. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with anything other than this assignment?”

I type, I research, I edit. It’s rinse and repeat until my assignment is finished and emailed to my professor. If all else fails, I’ve knocked it out of the park with this paper.Even if my love life is going down the drain, my academic achievements aren’t.

Today has been long already. I pack everything and finally turn my phone over. Becky leans forward, and I snatch my phone to my chest before peeking at it.

“So, who is it?” She eyes me curiously.

I flick through the numerous missed calls and texts from Killian. I can’t bring myself to read any of them. But there’s one message from Derren.

Derren:Wanna go out tonight?

How the hell do I answer that? I can’t. There’s no way I can go out covered in love bites from another man.

Scott:Can’t. I’m not well, sorry

“It’s Steven,” I lie, and gives me a look, flopping back in her seat and collecting her stuff.

I don’t like to lie to anyone, but what else can I do? It’s not like I can say, “Yeah, I’ll come out, but just for your information, I had the most amazing sex with a guy I’ve been crushing on for years. He threw me around the bedroom, fucked me harder than anyone ever has and left me in bed covered in cum, love bites, and potential regret. He rocked my world, and I don’t think anyone will ever match up to him now. I crossed that line, and all other men will pale in comparison for the rest of my life.

I rest my head in my hands, contemplating my life choices. Because while I hate that I cheated, I can’t bring myself to regret it. I should, but the more I try to beat myself up over it, the more I ache about him leaving me. Iwant more. It was everything I dreamt it would be and more. Derren doesn’t reply, and that kinda irks me, which is totally irrational. He hasn’t asked whether I need anything or expressed any concern.

I collect my things, and my phone buzzes. When I pick it up, I see it’s Killian calling.

Becky just glares at me. Waiting for me to give in and tell her the truth. But I don’t know how I’m feeling, let alone how to explain it to her. I snatch at my phone and answer it.

“I’m busy, Killian. What’s the matter?”

“Hey, I just wondered where you were? I came back this morning, but you were gone.”

I stare at Becky, her arms crossed over her chest, her jaw tense, almost likeshe’sthe one I cheated on.

“Look, Killian, let’s not read too much into it, okay? We both know it was a bit of fun. It doesn’t have to be anything else.”

“Scott. Please, can we talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Killian. It doesn’t have to be weird. I had a great time. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Becky’s eyes burn into mine as I hang up the phone, clutching it to my chest.

My heart is racing. I don’t know how my voice didn’t crack, but now I just want to cry. I feel like I’ve ruined everything with the one person in the world who always had my back, who always put me first, protected me, and loved me unconditionally, more so than my own brother. How could I have been so stupid and not thought this would destroy everything?

Becky packs the last of her things and stands to leave.

“Killian didn’t deserve that. He’s one of the good ones. You’re making a huge mistake, Scott. Derren isn’t a good guy. When he hurts you, which he will, I’ll be here for you, but don’t expect me not to say I told you so. I love you, but you’re a fucking idiot.”

She storms out of the library, leaving me with my mouth hanging open and a lump in my throat. I grab my things and head home in a daze, my mind racing. I can’t believe Becky would say that to me.

When I get home, I leave the key in the door, turn the lock over and put the chain on. It’s not something I’ve ever done before. Killian has a key. He treats this place like home, but right now, I just need to not blur any more lines. I’m so confused and, if I’m honest, I’m more hurt that I woke up alone this morning. I could have handled the rejection if it came directly from him—honest and to the point—but sneaking out in the night. I need to keep him at a distance.

I climb the stairs, use the bathroom, and sink into bed. When I pull the covers around me, it’s only then that the smell floods me.It’s him.It consumes me and squeezes my heart.

My vision blurs as I let the tears flow. I can’t believe I was so careless with someone who means so much to me. And as I wrap myself tighter in the feeling of him, the smell of him, I know this will never happen again. I let myself feel all the loss and love while I silently sob into my pillow that still smells like him.

Killian