Page 61 of Backward Motion

Sam had ducked away to use the bathroom only to be struck by the unmistakable urge for a smoke. It usually came on when he was overwhelmed, a niggling feeling that grew and grew, overtaking all rational thought. He was hesitant to leave Connor on his own in the waiting room, but he also couldn’t risk turning into a basket case—Connor needed him to be strong. Hopefully, he wouldn’t mind if Sam was a little late getting back.

As though the thought had conjured him, Connor appeared beside Sam and plucked the cigarette from his mouth. He brought it to his own then took a long drag and exhaled through his teeth.

“Don’t tell me I just made you fall off the wagon,” Sam said, swallowing a kernel of guilt.

“Sometimes life’s determined to throw you off.”

Sam studied the dark smudges under Connor’s eyes and the lines etched across his forehead. He recalled the way Connor had crushed him to his chest when Sam first arrived at the hospital. “How are you doing?”

Connor shook his head and stared out at a car driving by on the street. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“I understand.”

They stood in silence, passing the cigarette back and forth until it burned down to a stub in Sam’s fingers.

“About a year ago, I started having panic attacks,” Sam said quietly into the night air. “This heavy, choking feeling would come over me, and it was like I lost all control. On the surface, my life was going so well. I had this great job; I’d met someone new. Everythingwas working, but at the same time, nothing was.” Sam pressed the cigarette butt out on the side of a nearby receptacle and tossed it inside. “Fast-forward to this summer, when I had a full-blown nervous breakdown.” He glanced over at Connor to gauge his reaction. Connor was looking at him, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“I stopped showing up at work, stopped eating. I barely left my bed. For a moment, there, I thought I wouldn’t mind if I just went to sleep and never woke up.” Sam dropped his gaze and took a shaky breath. “Someone from HR ended up calling in a welfare check, and the cops came by my apartment. They made me call my parents. It was humiliating, my mom and dad showing up and seeing me like that. After all the lies I’d told them about how well I was doing. It’s funny. All that time trying to get away from this place and find my chosen family, and it was my actual family that cared enough to intervene.” He scuffed the toe of his shoe against the pavement. “Anyway, I don’t want to dump this on you with everything that’s happening with your dad. The truth is, I feel better than I have in a long time. I’m on some better meds, and it’s amazing what leaving a toxic workplace and an emotionally abusive douchebag can do for one’s mental health. I just wanted to come clean about why I ended up back here. I didn’t want to keep hiding how screwed up I am.”

Beside him, Connor shifted on the balls of his feet. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Sam said quickly.

“No,” Connor cut in. “I mean, it hurts to know how much you’ve been hurting. And I don’t think you’re screwed up. Not at all. I’m sorry things have been so bad.”

“Not lately,” Sam said with a small smile. “I hope you know you’re mostly to blame.”

Connor pulled Sam to him and buried his face in his shoulder. “It’s like we’re all just teetering on the edge of some big disaster.”

Sam heard Connor’s breath hitch. The sight of him standing there in the waiting room, stunned and lost, had brought tears to Sam’s eyes. “It must have come as a real shock,” he said softly, stroking Connor’s back. “It all happened so suddenly.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t tell him,” Connor whispered, his voice constricting. “The whole thing seems so... stupid. Hiding who I am, for what? Now he could die never knowing the real me.”

Sam held Connor tight as he shuddered against him. He felt the pain as if it were his own. “Let’s not go down that road just yet. We’ll deal with whatever happens when it happens, okay?” He didn’t know where this clarity was coming from, his feelings for Connor enabling him to tap into a strength he’d been unable to access for himself.

They stood like that for a long time until the cold snuck beneath Sam’s jacket and made him shiver. Connor pulled away and fixed Sam with his steady blue eyes. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. But I want you to know that I respect your decision. You were right; you deserve someone who doesn’t expect you to compromise. The last thing I want is to hold you back from being where you need to be.”

Sam shook his head, and his heart gave a little lurch. “Right now, this is the only place I need to be.” Then, no longer able to suppress it, his face cracked into an enormous yawn.

Connor chuckled. “As much as I appreciate that, I think you should go home and get some sleep. It’s been a hellish day.”

Right on cue, Sam felt the full weight of his exhaustion. “But what about you?”

“I’ll stay on a little longer and check in with my mom. The doctor said he doesn’t expect any major changes tonight. He said it’s better for us to get some rest and come back tomorrow. They’ll call if there are any updates.”

“If you’re sure... but I’ll be here first thing in the morning.”

“You don’t have to do that, Sam.”

“I want to.” Sam took Connor’s hand and pressed his thumb into the man’s palm. “Let me.”

“Okay,” Connor said with a smile, relenting.

Chapter Thirty

“You being here has significantly upped the nutritional quota of these meals,” Brian said as he stirred a pan of vegetable soup on the stove in his kitchen. “My repertoire consists almost entirely of chicken nuggets and sloppy joes.”

Sam arranged the potatoes he’d just finished chopping onto an oven tray and covered them with a sprinkle of salt. “Glad to be of service.”