Page 78 of Bound By Blood and Lies

Still, my heart won’t listen.

A soft knock lands against the open bedroom door, and I look up to find Fiona standing there. We’ve grown close over the last couple of weeks, and I don’t know what I would have done without her. Roman has been increasingly erratic; he is more short-tempered than usual and his touch aversion heightened to the point where even the smallest things seem to set him off. Having Fiona here with me, not just for Roman, but for the baby too, has felt like I have something steady to lean on when everything else feels uncertain.

She’s already dressed, her brown curls pinned neatly back, but there’s a tiredness around her eyes that makeup can’t quite disguise.

She smiles when she sees me. “You ready, sweetheart?”

I nod, but she raises an eyebrow at me. It’s such a mum look that I almost laugh. I wonder if it is something taught the moment a child is born.

My shoulders drop and I let out a quiet sigh. “No.”

She smiles before stepping forward and pulling me into a hug.

“You’re so brave, Fae,” she murmurs against my ear before pulling back just enough to look at me. “I’m so proud of you. Whatever happens… we’ll figure it out afterwards. Together.”

I let out a slow breath and nod before following her downstairs. The house is quieter than usual. It’s normally filled with coffee and too much noise, especially when this many people are living under one roof, but today it feels empty. Even Atlas doesn’t seem to be anywhere. I don’t know why that unsettles me as much as it does. Maybe I thought they’d be here. Maybe I thought someone would see me off. By now they all know what Robyn and I went through. Maybe they just can’t bring themselves to be around for this part.

I sigh, and Fiona squeezes my hand.

“He’s outside with Victor,” she says as she moves toward the kettle. “He’s only been awake for about an hour, and he’s already worn a path into the patio.”

That doesn’t surprise me. Roman hasn’t really rested all week. He sleeps beside me, yes, but it never feels deep. He thinks I don’t notice when he slips from bed before dawn and disappears downstairs. He thinks I don’t notice the way his jaw locks whenever someone says Longstaff’s name. He thinks because he still smiles at me, because he still kisses me like I’m something he’s terrified to lose, that I won’t see what this is doing to him.

He’s wrong.

I do.

And it’s killing me.

“How is he with you?” Fiona asks as she sets a mug down in front of me and leans against the counter opposite.

“With me?”

“Yeah, you know, when no one else is around.”

My fingers curl around the cup. “He’s Roman… but more.” She raises her eyebrows. “He hardly lets me out of his sight. IfI move too quickly, he notices. If I’m too quiet, he notices. If I leave a room, he follows five minutes later pretending he was going there anyway.” My throat tightens. “He is trying very hard to hide how much he’s struggling.”

“I’m worried about him.”

“I know. Me too.”

“He’s carrying too much,” she continues.

“He thinks this is his fault,” I mutter. “Nothing I say will change that either.”

“Of course he does. He loves his dad and has always seen himself as an extension of that. If his dad wanted to play cricket, so did Roman. If his dad liked whiskey, so did Roman. If his dad decided ants were the worst bugs in the world...” she looks at me.

“So did Roman?” I guess, and she chuckles before her face falls.

“He doesn’t think how we do. He can’t understand that even if he is an extension of his dad, he isn’t him. Maybe he’s worried he would somehow like to hurt women too.”

Fiona shrugs and I bite my top lip as I let what she says settle. I’ll never pretend I know everything about Roman or his autism, but to me it feels so simple to know he isn’t to blame. I just wish there was something I could do to prove that to him. Fiona studies me over the lip of her cup before stepping closer.

“I think I have a plan, sweetheart, but I need?—”

The back door opens and we both turn.

Roman walks in carrying the cold with him. His eyes find me first, sweeping over me from head to toe checking for any sign something is wrong.