Page 158 of The Sound of Him

Is it me?

Is he sick of me?

He suddenly laughs, but it’s hollow and… something else. I can’t think of the word. It’d be on my feelings chart, probably, but I don’t want to dig my notebook out to look. I just know that it’s wrong. It’s not Ace at all.

Neither is his frustrated, “Fuck off,” or, after a stretch of silence, the broken, “Really?”

He seems to shrink in on himself as he listens. His left leg is bouncing now, the vibrations of it working up his body and transferring to his desk where his elbow rests.

Then he says, “But you don’t usually do that anymore.”

I sit up, purposely making noise as I do. It feels wrong to not let him know I can hear him now that I’m able to make out words.

He jerks around, pulling his hand away from his ear for a second before putting it back. His eyes stay on me as he says, “I have to go. Just… be safe, yeah?”

His voice is so much softer now.

He closes his eyes for a second before he says, even softer, almost too quiet to hear, “And Keaton? Just… thank you.” He ducks his head and rubs at his eyes. “I know. You too.”

Ace ends the call, placing his phone on the desk with his head still hanging. I watch as he rubs at his eyes again. As he rolls his shoulders. As he takes a deep breath, adjusts in the chair, and looks up to give me a smile so convincing, I almost believe it. “Morning, sunshine. Or - well, evening, actually. Let me get the lights.”

I watch him walk over to the light panel. I don’t know if he’s aware that I can see a sliver of his expression from this angle, but I can. The smile is gone. Then I blink and he’s turning around with it back in place like it never went away.

Ace isn’t happy. He isn’t okay. I don’t know how long it’s been going on or why it took so long for me to notice, but now that Ihave, I need to do something about it. He’s helped me so much. He gives me a place to hide and a soft place to rest and the blues. He’s given me everything I’ve needed, even when I didn’t know I needed it.

I just have to figure out what he needs.

Then, no matter what it takes, I’m going to give it to him.

Chapter Thirty-two

Ace

At some point, I take my last pill. Wash it down with an energy drink. Play my music so loud my ears ache as badly as my chest.

At some point, everything goes distant, dark, devastating.

At some point, I’m printing out picture after picture of all the kids, so many kids, too many kids.

At some point, there’s a knock on my office door.

At some point, there’s Matt.

At some point, he leaves.

There are no good options for rescuing Elliot.

On the phone yesterday, Keaton had reminded me that any option where the boy is rescued is a good option. He was right, but I was frustrated and exhausted. I told him to fuck off, but lost steam right after, deflated by the time he’d finished the sentence, “I’ll be there.”

“Really?” I’d asked, suddenly feeling a little too much like that small boy in the closet, looking up at a man who glowed.

“Of course. Just because it’s a taskforce doesn’t mean I won’t be all over that shit. Kellan already got me the fake credentials Ineed. After we get off this call, I’ll be making one to the head of the taskforce. ”

I couldn’t help but point out, “But you don’t usually do that anymore.”

“You’re right, I don’t. Kids are hard. It’s why Kellan created the system he did for them, separate from everything else, but this is different. This kid is yours. It’s already fucked you up. Let me take a little bit of it now, yeah? Let me go get him for you. Give you that closure.”

I had almost cried then, but Matt moving on the couch pulled me out of it. When I had looked back at him, he’d been sitting up, looking sleepy and warm and - well, other things that don’t matter.