Page 131 of The Sound of Him

He never once told me I had to keep going when I reached my limit in the past, and he doesn’t tell me now either. He just nods and smiles a little, then says, “I’m proud of you for coming.”

I want to hide from that too.

I barely manage a nod before forcing my feet to move me to the door. It feels like I didn’t get any of the sleep I did when with Keaton. Hell, I feel even more exhausted than before meeting him.

“Do you remember what I told you when you asked my opinion on Kellan finally letting you be part of an operation?” he asks just as I’m reaching out for the door handle. I pause. He doesn’t wait for me to respond. “This is it. This is your chanceto finally heal yourself. To face your trauma head on and take your power back, instead of burying it beneath new power. This is when you finally stop running from your origin story. It’s time. It ispasttime.”

I curl in on myself, the metal beneath my hand cold, the ground beneath my feet tilting.

“The deal with Keaton is that you’ll take better care of yourself and you’ll meet with me regularly. I’m holding you to it. You willnotshut down again. You will not add this whole conversation, and everything leading up to it, to the pile ontop of that little boy. That part of your healing journey is done.”

I lean my forehead against the doorframe.

“How about you tell me what happened with Bryce two days from now. After dinner. You can always come sooner, of course.”

Two days.

After dinner.

Sometimes dinner makes Matt upset. He might need to come to my office. He might need a place to hide.

But he knows he can lock the door when I’m not there - both locks. He’s done that before. He’ll be alright.

“Two days from now,” I agree, my voice hoarse. “After dinner.”

“I’m not asking you to yank that boy to the surface and drown in everything that comes up with him, okay? I want you to keep your mind busy. Don’t sit in this feeling you’re in right now. I want you to go on, business as usual, except for how you take care of yourself. Do the grounding techniques I taught you whenever your mind starts to spin or the walls close in. Journal your nightmares if you can’t shake them.Sleep, Ace. In your bedroom. Eat. Take a bubble bath. Talk to someone, if there’s someone here you’re close to. You don’t have to tell them about your past, just talk to them. About anything. Let yourself connect.”

“Is that homework, doc?”

“It is, actually. I’ll be asking how well you did when we meet two days from now. I don’t expect miracles, but I expect you to try. Understood?”

I close my eyes, feeling torn between that little boy, terrified and alone, trapped in the darkness of that closet, and the man I am today as I stand here. Maybe not so much torn as I am doubled. Maybe I’m finally just now aware that both exist inside of me, cohabitating to create the wreck that stands before him.

I want, more than anything, to feel better.But not knowing what that looks like? Not knowing what that will make me?That’s maybe the most terrifying thing I’ve had to face so far.

“Ace?”

That’s not my name.

But it is - because I chose for it to be. It’s the thing that’s most mine. The first thing that ever was.

“Yeah,” I murmur. Then, after clearing my throat, “Yeah, Adam. I understand.”

Chapter Twenty-seven

Matt

“How have you been feeling since Carter and Casey left?” Dr. Singh asks.

It’s a harder question than the three he’s already asked -Do you have time for us to do a session? Would you like a snack? How about a drink?

I draw my knees up, letting my bunny rest in the dip between my stomach and thighs. I adjust his big ears and start to stroke them.

“Matt? How have you been feeling since Carter and Casey left?”

I shrug.

“Do you want to use your feelings chart, maybe?”