Page 128 of The Sound of Him

“You want to be a part of them?”

“No. I’m just jealous that I didn’t have athemwhen I was rescued. It was just me, alone.” I wince. “I mean, notalone. Please don’t ever tell Kellan or Keaton that I felt that way. They were there for me and they did the best they could, and I had Fox, and you later, but I was the only person there like…me. You know?”

“The only survivor.”

“I’m an operative.”

“Ah.” He sits back in his chair, folding his hands over his stomach. “I wasn’t aware that operatives can’t be survivors. My mistake.”

I huff in frustration. “You know what I mean. I’m - it’s been years. Decades. You were there for a lot of it, you know. I’ve had plenty of time to go from being that terrified, powerless, lonely little boy to the man I am now.”

He tilts his head at me, eyebrows pulling in. I can tell he’s fighting a frown. A sad one, if his eyes are to be believed. “And what kind of man is that?”

“Gotta say, doc, I’m a little hurt you have to ask.” I tried to make that sound teasing. I’m not entirely sure I pulled it off.

“I know what I think. It’s your opinion I’m asking for.”

“This isn’t really what I came here to talk about.”

“You see, the thing is? I think it is. I think this is the exact root of your problem.”

“Looking for Elliot and seeing all of these other kids… it’s fucking with my head. That’s what I came here for.”

He reaches for his scotch and takes a sip. My stupid heart is pounding in my chest like I just washed down one of my pills with an energy drink. I wish the panic was because of having to talk about Elliot and the other kids, but it’s not.

I can tell he knows that.

I can tell how sad it makes him when he says, “When I look at you, I see a man who has wrapped himself in layers of confidence and strength. A man who studied like his life depended on it to become someone beyond competent in all aspects of his life. A man that is compassionate beyond measure.”

“Careful, Adam. I might get the wrong idea-” I try to tease.

“I see a man that’s witty and boisterous and passionate. Intelligent. Hard working, but often to a fault. A man who sacrifices his own happiness, his own sanity, his own self-care for strangers.”

“Now you’re just describing Keaton.”

“I see a man who never really got to be a little boy.”

“Adam,” I warn, my voice cold despite the way the scotch inside my stomach has turned boiling hot. It’s corrosive, burning inside of me sudden and hot, like my anger has lit up by a single strike of match to a flint that’s been waiting decades for the chance to ignite.

“The thing is, Ace.” He leans forward. I instinctively lean back. “That man is a very good man. He’s all of those things. None of them are an illusion or an act. You have grown into an unbelievably good person. You got a shit start to this life and your rescuers were the ultimate definition of dysfunctional, andlook at you. Look at all you’ve done, kid. All of the people you’ve helped save since you were just a teenager. So many more now with this operation and post-operation clean-ups. Look at this safehouse.”

I have to leave. Or at least move.

I take my glass with me as I stand. He doesn’t stop me. I start to walk, forcing myself to stay in the room, heading toward the window instead. There’s a bookcase there, the top shelves holding textbooks and non-fiction novels while the bottom hosts bins of resources.

“You took Carter’s capture deeply personally.”

“It was my fault.”

“Bullshit. That’s bullshit and you know it.”

I fist my free hand, nails digging into my palms.

“When we were getting close to the end, we all had jobs to do. Deacon needed to look over medical histories and any relevant casenotes to build profiles for each survivor and create careplans. I did the same, but from a mental health standpoint.” I force my hand to relax. I force myself to inhale, slow and deep. “Maison was focused on logistics, though we can all agree that his attention was almost constantly being pulled by Carter, which is why you helped do a lot of his work. Keaton was supposed to be overseeing all of the big picture shit that was on the organization to handle, but of course his attention was being pulled by Bryce.”

If I was in a better mood, I’d find the grouchiness in his tone amusing. If anything has become the bane of existence for Adam, it’d be Keaton’s growing infatuation with Bryce - and the resulting work we’ve had to do to keep it off of Kellan’s radar.

“But then there was you.”