Page 108 of The Sound of Him

And he’d breathed, just like this. The very deep breath, not calculated or calm, not hidden, but obvious and heavy, then his head tilting back so he could look up at the ceiling, and then the long exhale.

I've seen him do that so many times over the years, like a hard reset, always so much calmer after, but that was the only time he had to do it because of me.

Until now.

Back then, Kellan had said, “Ace, you do not have to make anyone feel good ever again. Alright? Not ever again. I promise. Now come hangout with me. Let me teach you about football and why we hate the guys in white.”

Back then, I’d only asked, “What’s football?”

Now, Kellan says, “This is important. To you. These men are important. Because you just lied to me about them. And you don’t lie to me.”

Now, I say, “I’m scared you’ll kill them.”

He’s quiet for a long moment before clearing his throat and stating, “Then I won’t kill them.”

The trees aren’t blurry when my eyes fall closed in relief.

“But they’re pushing it, Ace. If they weren’tyours, I would be… handling them. Carter and his two merry men, at the very least.”

Yeah, okay, so definitely don’t mention that Casey is going with him, or that Jake is part of the planning committee.

“But… you won’t do that?”

“Not yet. Not for this.” He lets that sit for a second before asking, “Is that the favor? Me knowing they broke OPSEC, but nothandlingthem?”

“They - uh. Well, they want him-”and Casey, but don’t push it,“-to be able to come and go. Like, to visit. Or for group therapy with Adam.”

He mumbles something I can’t hear before doing another one of those breaths. I kind of want to shrivel up in shame for making him do it twice in one phone call after so long without causing one. Those are supposed to be job-related or Keaton-related breaths. I’m not supposed to be the one who stresses him out. That’s not my place in this family. I’m supposed to be the rock for them. The calm one. I keep Kellan relaxed and reassured. I keep Keaton’s head above water.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“No. Don’t - you’re okay. This isn’t your fault.”

It is. I don’t know how I could have stopped all of this mess, but there must have been something. I mistepped somewhere along the way. I let Carter get taken. I let Travis get attached. I let Maison spiral. I let Jake follow the same path, dragging Casey along with him.

“Adam wants him to be able to come back?” he asks after a moment, which feels… random, but I’m willing to latch onto it.

“Um - I mean, I don’t - I didn’t ask him? But you know Adam. He would want that.”

He huffs, but it doesn’t sound angry. “Yeah. Yeah, I know Adam.”

“I think it’s been killing him a little, you know? How fast so many of the survivors left when he didn’t think any of them were ready.”

“Hmm.”

I have no idea what thishmmmeans.

I have no idea about anything anymore, it’s starting to feel like.

I am not keeping it together.

I am so, so fucking tired.

“Alright, here’s what’s going to happen. They already know the general location of the safehouse. Cat’s out of the bag. But that information needs to be shared with everyone there, alongside the information that they are now compromised. I’m talking survivors, operators, and support staff. Anyone who doesn’t feel safe and wants to leave should be given the chance to be transferred to another house, or to just leave completely if they’d rather. If anyone asks why we’re allowing this exception, it’s because of Maison. The organization owes him for his unwavering loyalty and years of skilled work and we’re doing this for him. If any of the support bitches about that, let me know. We’ll reassign them and I’ll keep a close eye for a while to make sure they don’t spin up trouble.”

“W-wait. I - really?”

“No, I’m joking. You know me. I love a good joke,” he says, as deadpan as I’ve probably ever heard him.