Page 25 of Red Masquerade

“Is it not what brothers do?” But the words brought a sour taste to my tongue.

“No, Helena.No.” Her fingers squeezed mine. “I know you want to move past it, that youhavemoved past it.”

I felt a lump in my throat.

“And I know how difficult this will be—having him around again, after… after what he did. But that does not mean you must forgive him, just because it is in the past.”

She wrapped her arms around me, and even though I had tried so hard to forget, images rushed back to me, memories of years ago, the face of a boy I had loved, Lucas and his sneering anger, his threats. I tried to swallow down the pain that leaked from my heart through my arteries. Flora held me to her, my arms wrapped around her middle, hiding my face on her shoulder.

I will not cry. I had already cried so many tears.

I had not wept about it since I had received the letter from his parents. Hadn’t let myself feel that rage, that grief again. Had locked it away inside me somewhere, and threw away the key, because it was the only way to go on.

“Don’t ever forgive him,” Flora said, her words low. “Don’t you ever.”

I wouldn’t, Icouldn’t. I knew that if I ever forgave Lucas, then I had given up on that younger version of myself, that girl in love, who still felt hope for the world. Who still thought she hadchoice, who still thought the world was hers for the taking.

There was a shout outside the window. The breeze picked up again, a caress on my warm skin, fingers of a lost lover of years gone.

This time, as I soared over the city, the sparkling lights of the buildings scraping the sky, feeling like feather-soft touches to my belly, the wind holding me up, carrying me away, there was a hand in mine.

A strong hand, a familiar hand.

He laced his fingers with mine.

The person I was in this dream had no fear, no grief. Didn’t need to look to make sure he was there.

Coney Island sparkled in the distance. Bright, colorful, twinkling lights against a backdrop of dark cerulean, scintillating lapis lazuli, the stars winking in and out. Black specks of ships, like shadows on the water. As though I were there, I could hear the laughter, the screams of elation on the roller coasters. Rides that reminded you that you were alive, that there was a heart beating in your chest, blood in your veins. That would suck the joy right through your throat.

A laugh bubbled up through my own lips.

He laughed with me.

I felt the wind on my skin. I was nude, and it was freeing. In my purest form. We were high above all, flying, free as we could be. We swooped down, touched the antennas on the buildings, danced along rooftops. He twirled me around amidst the skyline, our feet barely even landing down on the gravel tops, the iron and steel.

My hand never left his. He made sure to always be holding me.

Cranes, evidence of man’s need to grow ever higher. To build closer to God. To reach the heavens. But I knew God moved away with each inch we built up. God was not on earth, thoughhe watched us. He saw me flying, and I knew, if I believed in him, He would smile.

But I couldn’t.

Believe in Him, that is.

Maybe we thought if we could reach Him, we would be good again? Would we reach happiness? That’s all this was for, anyway, right?

My fingers tightened on his.

What was his name?

I realized I couldn’t remember. His name like a ghost on my tongue, dissolving, gone. But it didn’t matter. I knew, deep down, a feeling in my chest, that his name and mine were the same.

I was him. He was me. We were one.

I turned to look at him, to gaze upon my lover, my other-half. But as I did, he disappeared, like smoke, drifting away in the breeze. Eurydice, back to the Underworld.

And then I fell.

Nine