Page 54 of Vexing Valmir
"It's not that I don't." I ache at the betrayal in his voice, because I'm hurting him. It makes my heart hurt, but I need him to understand. I'm so, so tired. "It's that I don't want to set myself up for a lifetime of arguments. How's our kid going to be if Mom wants to have friends over and Dad runs away? What will they think of that? Resonance means we're bringing another person into this world, and I can't help but think about that, too. I want that child to have harmony in their life, not be torn between parents who want different things. I don't want every day to feel like a battle."
He's quiet for a long moment. He's quiet for so long that I start to notice how cold it is on the ice. Makana shifts his weight against my ribs, getting comfortable, and I wonder if I should get up. But then, Valmir speaks. "I understand."
"You do?" It's not what I expect to hear from snarky, sarcastic Valmir.
He looks over at me, his features so strangely different from my own, and yet so familiar to me after weeks of flirtingand touching and resonating. "I don't know how to be like Jason."
I make a face. Where is this coming from? "Who says I want you to be like Jason?"
"Jason is always in the thick of things," Valmir comments. "Every time I turn around in camp, he is there, offering someone advice. He remembers a great many things from who he was before. And...I hate him for that."
"You do?"
He nods. "Because I do not have the same. I do not think I was skilled before. Or a great fighter. Or any fighter, really. I have no memories of anything. Chalath and Kyth and Skarr have memories of other fights, or layers upon layers of rules and choreography. Of clever moves and placements and strategies. I have none of that." Bitterness twists his mouth. He eyes me, as if deciding whether or not to be vulnerable. "I think...I think I am the only clone of me, a splice that somehow failed to meet their approval, and that is why I am here. Because I am not worthy."
I ache for him. What must that feel like? To have others all around you in the same situation, but they've been given tools you haven't. No wonder he struggles to get along with anyone. "For the record, I think you are extremely worthy."
Part of me expects him to say something snarky, but he's thoughtful. "Perhaps I need to think more like Aidy and Corvak. They kept themselves apart from the group for a long time because they were afraid, but now they are happily a part of things. They changed. Perhaps I can change, too. Perhaps I can learn to be social. Will you help me?"
Our eyes meet, and we gaze at each other. I can practically feel his yearning.
"Of course I will." I reach out and touch his fingerswith my gloved ones. "I'm not trying to make you feel like you have to. You have to be who you are."
He shakes his head. "I can at least try. I want to be with you."
"You do?" It's the first time he's ever admitted it so baldly. "I thought you didn't like me."
"You've grown on me." He sounds disgusted at the fact. When I chuckle, his fingers brush mine again, the touch strangely intimate. "You've grown on me a lot. More than is comfortable."
There's a husky note to his voice that makes heat pulse deep in my belly. "Now you're making me blush."
"I'm also making you wet." He glances over at me, his nostrils flaring ever so slightly. The heat inside me turns into an inferno. Rude of him to point that out. Sexy, but rude.
"So youdowant to be my mate?"
"I do." His gaze remains locked on mine, the moment vulnerable and open. "I will try to be more social. For you."
"For you, too." My khui's purr feels like a gentle herald and not an ominous sound of doom, for a change. "Also maybe try not to be such a dick when people talk to you?"
"Most people are annoying."
I shoot him a look.
He sighs. "Can I at least be a dick to Chalath?"
I consider this. "You can be a dick to Skarr, but only when he says dumb shit."
"So, all the time?" At my peal of laughter, he caresses my face with his gaze. "I shouldn't say that. Skarr is the closest thing I have to a friend. But even he would acknowledge that he says dumb shit."
I bite back a laugh. "Maybe don't point that out to his face. Maybe save it up and point it out to me instead, when we're alone.You'll make a lot more friends that way." I love that he wants to try, though. It shouldn't be so he can please me, but maybe if he realizes other people aren't so bad, it won't bejustfor me.
Valmir plays with my fingers. "You know he thinks females have mind control?"
"That is officially dumb shit, yes."
He nods, thoughtful. "He thinks Vivi uses it on him for kisses, but he doesn't complain because he loves kissing her." Valmir glances over at me again. "We have not kissed. The others kiss their mates constantly around camp. Is it something that only happens after resonance?"
Oh. I'm embarrassed that he has to ask. "No, it doesn't come after resonance. It can come at any time in courting. I haven't really thought about it, to be honest. We kind of started off backwards. You jerked off on my door and then I jerked you off and we sorta just went straight to the jerking and skipped all the earlier stuff."
