Page 53 of Vexing Valmir
I take a step into the sunlight...
...and my foot skids forward.
"Oh, it's icy," I say, even as I take another step forward. "Watch your step."
"I'll be fine," he says, and wobbles, skidding pastme.
I take a few more slippery steps forward, and it's like an ice rink, the snow here. It's not just crusted over; it's a great big sheet of ice. There's no grip with my leather soles, and I slide with every step. I try to change my movements, acting like I'm skating, but with an ice skate, there's a bit of control at least. I take another step forward and slowly spin around in a circle. A few feet away, Valmir flails, overcorrects, and barely manages to keep upright.
My next step is a bad one and I lose my footing entirely. I slide to the ground, legs in an awkward split, a protective arm around Makana. I try to get up and just fall on my ass. I try again and get the same results. I'm like a fawn with no control over its legs, flailing on the ground. "I need a moment," I tell Valmir. "Just give me a few."
"No rush." There's an odd tone to his voice.
I look over and he's on the ground, flat on his back, staring up at the sky. The ice has defeated us both.
I scramble over to his side on all fours, my gloves getting soaked. "Are you okay?"
"My pride is forever wounded," Valmir says, not even trying to get up. His arms are out flat to his sides, and he looks like the saddest snow angel.
Trying to get up again, I plant one foot firmly on the ice — and fall on my ass again. I give up, too, flopping onto my back. Makana squeaks in his pouch, and I give him a pat as I gaze up at the sky.
We both lie there for a long, long moment, staring up at the gloomy sky.
"I guess this is where we live now," Valmir says.
For some reason, this strikes me as hilarious. I crack up. Hot, delighted laughter pours out of me. This is the most ridiculous situation, but I can't stop laughing. To think that we can scale cliffs and survive mutant snails only to be takenout by a patch of ice. I laugh up at the sunlight and for the first time in a while, I feel happy and light as air.
Valmir chuckles, too. His is a bit more reluctant, but the longer I laugh, the more he joins in. We're both giggling and breathless as we lie on our backs, marooned on ice.
He looks over at me as my laughter dies away. "Can I ask you something?"
I wipe tears of amusement from my eyes. "Sure."
"What did I do wrong? I came back from my task and something changed between us. You stopped laughing at my jokes." He eyes me. "I miss it. I like your laughter."
Oh. My amusement dies, replaced by guilt. "You didn't do anything wrong. I think I just realized that we want different things and it made me sad. Resonance has felt a bit like a trap."
"Because you're stuck with a person you don't like?"
"I like you," I admit. "Until you get all prickly and deliberately push everyone away. But it's more than just liking someone. It's about a future together. We have to want the same things, and I don't think you want what I want."
"What is it you want?" he asks.
I swallow hard. "For me, community is important. I want to be part of things. I want to help others and be part of their lives as much as anything. I don't remember much, but I do remember that where I grew up, it was like a great big family. Everyone was interconnected." I lace my fingers to demonstrate. "Laulima."
He watches me with a wary gaze, saying nothing.
"And…I don't think you want that community, Valmir. You hold yourself back. You never spend time talking to others if you can help it. You keep to yourself."
"So you want me to have friends, as you said."
"It's more than just friendship. It's...being part of things. I'm not asking you to change who you are. I think I'm just realizingthat we want very different things and I can't force what I want on you and expect you to be happy. It makes everything feel complicated when it shouldn't be."
He gives me a long, assessing look. "Why does it matter if I'm social or not?"
"It matters because I don't want everything we do to be a fight. If we resonate, we're tied together. What if I want to eat dinner with the group every night? What if I want to go hunting with friends? I'll feel like I have to choose between what you want and what I want, and making that choice every day gets exhausting. It's better for everyone if we're on the same page, and since we aren't, it makes me feel defeated. Everything else in this world is so hard, I just want one thing in my life to be easy."
"You don't want to be my mate?"
