Page 96 of All That Remains
"Why didn't you say we were just hanging out?"
"She already knew. After she left, she spun around the block and came back up the driveway on foot. She saw us...I guesseatin'in the kitchen—and there's just no hidin' it whenwe’re together. It was always that way. Now it’s too late to deny it."
"Fuck’s sake..." I groaned, breaking away to lie on my back, gazing at the ceiling.
***
Later we got up and took a few calls. We met back up in the first-floor lounge, and he marveled at the house. Then we sat on the edge of the couch and plotted our next move over bitter coffee. As though we needed to dispose of a corpse before the police were tipped off.
"So..." I began, trying to break the ice. "We're really shit at sneaking around, aren't we?"
"Not always, though," he said, shoulders slumped, elbows on his knees.
He looked deflated. None of his normal dominance or self-assurance was present. Only contrition, muddled by confusion.
"It's like the universe wanted to fuck uz," I muttered.
"We're the only onesfuckin’us, Rafe—nevermind the pun."
"We were sloppy, sure, but I think—"
"We werestupid, we wereselfish. We didn't even think of her—"
"I did," I admitted, surprising myself. "I just didn't care, mate. You have to look at it this way: we were uz first, y'know?"
He looked at me deadpan and looked away. "That doesn’t mean we can just go around fuckin' over anyone we want—"
"Obviously. And I'm sorry she got hurt or whatever. But...shit happens, Rome. I hate that it happened, I really do, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. We were uzfirst."
"You're being cold."
"For uz, yes.Hellyes. I'd do anything to protect uz. We've been through so much, mate. She has no real claim over you.You've been together how long? A little over a year? Off and on? How does that compare to nearly a decade?"
"Rafe, babe, I get that you're upset. But you gotta bereasonable, bro. I waswithher, for all intents and purposes. She has every right to be upset, especially considerin’...."
He trailed off, but I knew what he meant. Theman-on-manfactor was galling. I was frustrated, but he was right. I was becoming callous where she was concerned. Insensitive to how badly I'd upended his new life. I got up and went into the kitchen for a breather, sick of looking at him.
Then it finally dawned on me. For him, his life was over. He was afraid she'd tell her family. He was afraid of headlines and paparazzi, probably suffering vicious PTSD from the public fallout of 2016. Worse yet, he was afraid of his overly religious dad and cousins finding out.
When I returned, coffee refilled, he grew paler by the moment. With each additional cigarette smoked down to the filter, he became a bit smaller. With each new perspective introduced to the matter, his voice grew more faint. With each added nuance unveiled, one fact triumphed:we were well and truly fucked.
I gazed at him when I sat, noticing stress lines I'd never seen before. He was changing before my very eyes. The fear devouringhim.
"Baby…?" I whispered, getting on my knees and grabbing his hands. "We're gonna get through this, ok? I promise, Rome. It's not as bad as it seems."
"Oh yeah?" he said wryly, withdrawing his hands from mine and grabbing the cup.
I sat back against the bottom of the couch and gazed darkly ahead. His voice penetrated the ugly premonitions unfolding before my mind’s eye.
"You know, Rafe, before I got here...I'd started to blame you. Started tohateyou, even. But then I had to remember,Ireached out toyouin that parking lot.Ireached out toyouon the phone.Ikissedyouin the yard before you left, not the other way 'round. So, I can't really be angry with anyone but myself here. Still...if I'm honest, I just wish I'd never seen you again."
A lump formed in my throat, but I was careful not to respond. I wanted to hear him out.
"I swear to God, man…if I'd never laid eyes on you again…for as long as I lived…it still would've been too soon."
"Fuck you," I croaked, chest imploding.
I got up, absently pulling my collar away from my throat. Tears stung my eyes. I needed air.
