Page 89 of All That Remains
“Holy shit…”
“I know. I'm not even kiddin'. No fear, no excitement...justnumb. Got any idea how scary that is? To not be able to feel?"
"Can't even imagine..." my brow wrinkled.“It’s quite the opposite for me. I feel way too much. I overthink everything.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“But, how’d you get by? I suppose the treatment helped?”
"Eventually it did. It took a while, though. A terrifying period. Mentally, I thought I'd never come back. I thought I'd neverregisteranythin' again...let alone anythin' for you or my family. No one seemed familiar. Everything was alien, even in my hometown."
"M'sorry, mate. I never knew it was that bad. I thought you might’ve feltlostfor a while after you left, but neverempty. I'm so sorry, Rome."
"It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I wouldn't even speak to you at the time, so how could you know?"
"You kept running..."
I watched him carefully and he nodded, eyes downcast. His eyelashes were impossibly long and impossibly black. His hair was tousled, spilling onto his forehead in short, glossy waves. I pushed it aside and made him smile.
"Hey...you want me to be honest with you?" I asked.
"Always, babe."
"I could tell you weren't all there some days. I could feel that numbness seeping out of you. You were cold to the touch even. You were beginning to look through me."
"Wild, right?"
"I hated it. I thought I'd, uh...lostyou before you even left. Which, I suppose I did, if you really think about it." I gazed down at my hands, picking my thumbnail. "Sometimes it was like sleeping next to a perfect stranger. It wasn't the real you."
"True..." he pursed his lips.
"You were being drained, much faster than the rest of us."
"It was overwhelming, man. For all of us. They wouldn't let us take a moment to breathe. Or...y'know,gatherourselves. Somethin' so simple. It’s clear they thought we had an expiration date, so they were ruthless. We were treated more like soldiers than artists. You kinda take for granted howunburdenedwe were before it all happened. As kids playing covers in the garage. It was so safe. All roses back then.”
“Then the EP took off,” I added.
“Yep.”
“Then suddenly we were so far down the industry rabbit hole we were toointimidatedto speak our minds anymore. Just wanted to perform like good little automatons."
“Industry rabbit hole is right. It’s like we entered some sort of matrix.”
“Ah, mate.”
"Then we were perpetually on the hook. Afraid to do anything that'd upset the powers that be, or the fans. Suddenlymillionsofstrangers controlled our lives, and were—perhaps unknowingly—guiltin'me into doin’ things I simply didn't want to do anymore. Like the endless tours and events. How's a person supposed to cope with that, Rafe? We were soyoung..." he marveled, shaking his head. "And we were beingpushedto the edge. Shoved from one thing toanother—"
"Endless flights and gigs. People don’t realize how exhausting travel can be when you fly that frequently. Or the hours-long road trips on smelly buses. Motion sick and yearning for home."
"And that’s before you even arrive and still have to find the energy to perform. Man…it felt like I had no control. That's when I couldn't take it anymore. That's when I got sick...couldn't eat even if I tried."
I shut my eyes and winced. "Don't remind me. I'm so happy you're better, mate, butthatwas a nightmare."
"I know it was...for us both. You really had my back, Rafe. Thanks for that."
"Anytime."
“It all got to be too much."
