Page 46 of All That Remains
“Alright…” I relented, turning and sitting on my leg. “I got a call.”
“From?”
“You’ll never believe…”
“Try me.” She set the glasses back into place and flipped through a few things we discussed last session.
“I dunno if I should…”
“How about some music then?” She grabbed a remote, flicking on a classical piece. Felt like we were trapped in an awkward elevator ride.
“Let me guess—if I may be so bold—is it the person whose feelings for you are…infinitesimal?”
I nodded. She read a little more.
“The one who robs you of both your confidence and self-respect?”
“Yeah.”
“And what shall we call her today?”
“Amelia.”
“Amelia?” she tried it out for size. “That’s a good one, bub.”
“Thought so too.”
“Are you ever going to tell me her real name?”
“Not yet.”
“Noted.” She flipped to a clean page.
The keenest humiliation I’d suffered in that office was finding an excuse to bring him up, then bitching out mid-sentence and referring to him as a female. It was pathological. There had been so many names used already.Anna, Olivia, Ava, Lisa, Lilly, Gwen, April.I liked it best when he was April because I’d spoken about him a lot that day. A load was lifted off my shoulders. Yet somehow, he’d returned to weigh me downnowmore than ever. I’d hardly taken an unlabored breath since last night.
“What is it you fear about bringing her up?”
“Total immersion. There's just so much to lose, y’know? Mainly myself.”
“In what way? Be specific.”
“Giving her control.”
“In what way?”
“Speaking of her, mostly. Thinking of her, too. And although I know it can't be helped, I try so hard not to. I just can’t stopthinking of her. Especially not after I saw her again. She’s all that’s on my mind,day and night. Even in my dreams.”
My throat tautened. I cleared it and averted my eyes from the piercing gray boring a hole into my soul.
“But the way I do it…the way my brain works, uh, it feels…not normal. It's too much, I think.”
“Only because you've convinced yourself that it isabnormal. What do you mean by‘normal,’exactly?”
“Uh…all things in moderation, right? Well…with her, I can’t apply that concept. Everything is just too much all the time…and, uh, that’s what I mean bynot normal.”
“And what would it mean for you, if you weren’t particularlynormal? If the world were to categorize you asabnormal,what then?”
A pit formed in my stomach.
