Page 16 of All That Remains
"You know what the fuck I mean. And I know everything's not about me—asshole."
"Chill, babe. You’re gettin’ worked up over literallynothin’. I’m still here, aren’t I? Right here in front of you. And look at how you’re treatin’ me. These might be some of our lastmoments, yeah? I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna remember us this way."
I approached again as he toyed with the lighter, flicking the flame on and off.
"Look…” I cleared my throat. “I don't wanna fight with you…but you keep shutting me out. Pretending I'm not a part of this. This is as much aboutmeas it is aboutyou."
"Oh yeah? And how’s that?"
"You’re being snide…”
“M’askin’ a question…”
“Because ofeverything,” I ground out, beginning to unravel. How could he not see? Or worse, was it the case that he did see and was trying to gaslight me out of noticing? How could he suddenly trivialize the roles we’d played in one another’s lives, simply to make his parting seem casual. “I’m a part of it now…because of what you did to me. You're the reason I'm fucked, mate."
"What exactly have I done to you?"
"You want me to say it? I know you hate it,” I spat, snatching the lighter from his hand and setting it on the desk so he’d focus. “I know you don't wanna face it."
"Say whatever you want, Rafe. It’s not that deep—"
"Fuck you. Like it or not,youinvolvedmein everything that goes on with you now. That's just the way it is."
He lifted his brows in a dismissive shrug, always aiming to make me feel insane.
"So that's it?" I croaked, totally hysterical. "You’re just gonna keep being a dick?"
The stonewalling, the apathy, I couldn't stomach it. I wasn't built for the sort of frigidness he dealt out. And I knew if I wasn't careful, it was only a matter of time before he walked again.
"I…" I trailed off, at a complete loss. "You'reliterallyso fucking annoying, mate, I can't even look at you right now. Webusted our asses for years to build all of this, and you're just fucking everything up. At the height of everything—the band, the tours, our relationship. And you expect me not to be hurt by it. It's not how any of this was supposed to be—"
"Rafe…I don’t know how else to say it. It's just not thatdeep—"
"Do you have any idea how fuckingcondescendingthat is?!”
Finally, he relented, standing to face me. "Look, alright…I’m not tryin’ to be mean, I swear. You're gonna be alright, Rafe. I promise. Nothin's gonna change between us. You hear me?"
I shook my head, tears leaping to my eyes. I couldn't begin to articulate the nightmares I'd had for weeks about losing him. And I feared that if I voiced them, they would materialize and become reality. I saw things like him dying, and me stuck halfway across the world, unable to say goodbye. Saw him walking away from me in public spaces. Saw him blocking my number, refusing to reach out again. And sometimes I saw him ringing me up to tell me she was pregnant. Anything that could put a wall between us.
"Hey...?" he whispered, shoving me so I'd look at him again.
His eyes were empty and unkind. "Nothin's gonna change between us,ever. It'sus,Rafe. You and me against the world, remember? Haven't I always been there? Haven't I always taken care of you?" I nodded. "Then I'll always be there, yeah? Whether I'm standin’ right in front of you, or 20,000 fuckin’ miles away. You know you're the only one who can call mewhenever—even if it's the middle of the night. Don't I always pick up? Overeverythin’?"
I shut my eyes, tears slipping down my cheeks. He brushed them away with his knuckles, whispering: "Look at you. You're mad. You're stressed." He squeezed my shoulders from the front. "I'm right here, Rafe. You're always on my mind. Youknow that? Always,alwayson my mind. We're gonna be alright. Just give it time. We don’t have to figure it all out right now."
I took a trembling breath and nodded, disturbed by how easily I’d been placated. He crushed me and I inhaled the sticky sweetness of his perspiration. The room seemed unnaturally silent, apart from our breathing.
"I love you, ok?" I said, withdrawing with an anxious exhaustion. "I love you so fucking much, Rome..."
"Love you more."
"And what abouther? If you're not here with me, then you're going to be withherevery day. And then you're gonna get married behind my back, just like you got engaged. Remember? You didn't tell me anything, remember? You’d already picked out the ring and everything—"
"Ididtell you—"
"After it’d already been decided andafteryou picked out the ring. I bloody looked up and it was all over the media, and I had to sit through those stupid fucking questions, and people asking if I was happy for the two of you. Mate…it's gonna happen again. I can feel it. I'm gonna open my phone to headlines that you’re married, and I’ll flip my fucking lid—"
"Babe, you're overthinkin’—"
