Page 102 of How to Kidnap a Fake Date
‘You overcompensating for something?’ she asks, tapping the two boxes with interest.
‘I missed you. And I missed a week, so I’ve doubled up. Francesca made a cinnamon crunch cake this week, and I couldn’t resist grabbing us some.’
‘A bribe for leaving your dear old granny all alone,’ she says with a laugh. ‘The other is still chocolate, right?’
‘Of course.’
Gran opens the boxes and pinches a little of the crunchy cinnamon topping while I make a pot of tea and fill the milk jug, taking both to the table along with some china cups.
‘So fill me in on where you’ve been that was so interesting you bailed on me.’
‘We’ve not even poured the tea yet,’ I say, grinning at her.
‘Then pour the damned tea and get on with it. I’m getting older by the second.’
‘I popped up to Scotland. Just needed to get away for a few days.’ Gran’s eyes narrow as I stir the milk into the tea.
‘You’ve got a face like a smacked backside.’
‘That’s just my face.’
‘Roman, I’ve known you since you emerged from your mother. There’s no pulling one over on me. Now spill.’
‘I did go to Scotland.’
She takes a large slice of cake and flops it onto a plate, digging into it with a tiny fork.
I continue. ‘To a wedding.’
She chews a mouthful of cake and gestures with her fork for me to continue.
I exhale. ‘I met a woman.’
Gran freezes with her fork midway to her mouth. Then she slowly sets it back on the plate.
‘…Oh?’ she says, in a tone that spells trouble.
‘Oh,’ I confirm.
She leans forward slightly. ‘Awoman.’
‘Yes.’
‘A friend?’
‘No.’
‘Were you paying her?’
I grimace. ‘God, no, Gran. What do you take me for?’
‘Largely an idiot who pretends to be the ‘big I am’ online. What happened to your pussy embargo?’
I cough. ‘Gran!’
Never have I heard her say the word pussy, and I pray she never uses it again.
‘Don’t you “Gran” me,’ she says, eyes gleaming. ‘Tell me about her.’
