Page 5 of Sexting the Pakhan
“I wear a name tag.”
“He asked what you would choose for him.”
“That is literally my job.”
Karina gives me a look that says she thinks I’m beyond help. She is, unfortunately, probably right.
I focus on shelving books. Hardcover. Paperback. Author M to N. Anything to avoid looking toward the history section, where I know he is now, probably flipping calmly through the book I gave him while I slowly dissolve into uselessness.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I say.
“Why?”
I slide a novel onto the shelf with more force than necessary. “Because men like him don’t ask out women like me.” The words come out flatter than I mean them to.
Karina goes quiet for a second. “Zoya.”
“It’s fine,” I say quickly. “I’m fine. I know what I look like.”
That isn’t really the whole truth. It isn’t that I hate the way I look. I don’t. Not most days. I like my face well enough. I like my hair on good days. I even like my body sometimes, in private, whenno one is around to remind me what women are apparently supposed to look like.
But life teaches you things. It teaches you which girls get noticed first. I learned a long time ago that I’m not usually one of them.
Crushes are safe because they ask for nothing.
Karina nudges the side of my cart with hers. “That’s bullshit, by the way.”
I give her a look. “Compelling argument.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know.”
She studies me for a second, and then her whole expression changes. Too bright. Too energetic. Too familiar. That look means trouble.
“Tonight,” she says, “we’re fixing this.”
I stop shelving. “Fixing what?”
“Your confidence.”
“That sounds fake.”
“It’s not fake. It’s practical.”
“It sounds like a cult.”
Karina grins. “Meet me after work.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
She keeps smiling. I hate that smile.
I glance, against my better judgment, toward the gap between the shelves. I can just make out Ruslan in the next section over, tall and dark and self-contained, one hand on the open book, completely unaware that he has ruined my ability to behave like a normal person for months.
