Page 44 of Tracked
“Still a child.”
“But old enough.” His insistence was unrepentant.
Dr. Julia linked her hands in her lap. “So, you have a need to be in control because you’re afraid if you’re not, something could happen to the people you care about like it did to your mother?”
“I guess.” His voice cracked for the first time, the slightest blemish to the calm he’d maintained up to now.
“Is that how you are with Lara?”
I won’t sacrifice your safety for the sake of your feelings.I’d thought I understood before, but I hadn’t. Not even close.
His answer fired from his lips. “Yes.”
I waited for the next question, knowing what it was—where she was going. I was prepared to answer the same question and offer up my weakness. And then she asked me something completely different.
“Lara, I couldn’t help but notice you were surprised by Calder’s answer,” she remarked, and I stilled. Maybe if I hadn’t drunk her damn smoothie, I could’ve been better about hiding my reactions.Would’ve been.“Do you perceive Calder’s need for control as a weakness in your relationship?”
Even if I wanted to say yes—to add another lie on top of the one about our relationship—I couldn’t. Yes, Calder took control, but it wasn’t a weakness. It was a relief. A respite from the person I otherwise had to be.The person I’d been for so long.
“No,” I answered softly, my gaze caged in the magnetic trap of his.
Dr. Julia wouldn’t let it go. “How do you feel about his need for control?”
“I ...” My throat bobbed as I swallowed. It didn’t matter what I said. Truth or lie, it didn’t matter because this wasn’t real. “I appreciate it.”
Calder’s disbelief ripped through him. The slight tightening of his grip on his knees. The ricochet of his clenching jaw. And his almost imperceptible inhale as it breached the firm line of his lips.
“You appreciate it,” Dr. Julia repeated, slightly louder. “Good. This is good. Do you see how important this is?” Her enthusiasm was genuine, though her question rhetorical. “What you perceived as a weakness, Calder—what has kept you from letting your relationship with Lara deepen—is actually something that brings Lara closer to you. Now, Lara, I want you to explain why you appreciate it, but I want you to look at Calder when you share.”
Look at . . .
My body began to comply, though my mind was rife with concerns.Just say what she wants to hear from you,I mentally coached myself. I shouldn’t have been nervous to tell him. It didn’t matterwhatI told him, because this wasn’t real.
This was nothing more than a placebo effect. A chemical reaction to a well-crafted ruse.
He. And. I. Weren’t. Real.
Dredging in a deep breath, I scooted on the blanket to face Calder, Dr. Julia fading into my periphery.
“Take his hands,” Dr. Julia interrupted gently, the instruction poking another hole in my confidence.
Touch him?Wasn’t it enough that he could hear how my heart had started to beat harder against my chest? Wasn’t it enough that he could see the way my lungs strained against my ribs?Now she wanted to let him feel how the truth trembled behind the construct of this lie.
His eyes goldened like autumn-approaching leaves preparing for their downfall, and his palms turned up.I could do this. I had to do this.I slid my fingers into his.Thenar. Hypothenar. Extensor pollicis longus.The Latin blurred like fingerprints scorched of their design. It was fine. A glorified handshake.That altered the fabric of my identity.
Calder gave me a reassuring squeeze, and my head jerked up from our locked hands.
“I appreciate when you take control, Calder,” I began again.See? You can do this.My tongue swiped over my lips, and I didn’t miss how his gaze lowered to my mouth. “I appreciate when you take control,because I’m in control of so much that I don’t know how to let go. I’m afraid to let go—afraid I don’t know how to.”Afraid of what I’d lose ... who I’d let down again if I did.“When you take over ... it’s a relief.”
“Why can you let go with him? Why do you feel safe letting go with Calder?” Dr. Julia’s soft prompt wove through my ears.
“Because I trust you. I trust ... your intentions.” I tried to swallow but couldn’t. The way he looked at me was like he could read between the beats of my pulse. Like he could see that there was so much more I’d ... trust him with.If things were different.
“Wonderful, Lara. Wonderful. I really think we’re onto something groundbreaking here,” Dr. Julia praised, and the soft press of her hand on my shoulder snapped the bubble that had absorbed Calder and me. I quickly drew my hands back and wiped my palms on my knees. “Now, tell me what do you believe is the critical weakness holding back your wild core? What keeps you from unapologetically grasping for what you want in your relationship with Calder?”
The fact that it can’t be real.My jaw dropped, and I quickly snapped it shut.
My weakness ... His perfect anatomy. The slow curl of his lips. The way he takes care of me even though he hardly knows me.
