Page 174 of Savage Devotion
“What?” My words came out in soft disbelief.
He shrugged. “I’m not against you spending the night with Ro. If you want. Maybe it’ll help you in your decision-making.”
I said nothing and looked down at my feet.
What could I even say to that?
Fuck yes. I want to.
But also no, I can’t because I’m terrified of her seeing my body now. I’m terrified of feeling and falling and everything going to hell and suffering the fallout.
“The guys leave tomorrow. It’ll just be Ryder and me here. If you want, come hang out on Saturday. Cole is working overnight. Dante has Ellis for the week because Jameson adores her and refuses to let her leave. I’ll tell Ryder we need some privacy.”
“Fox, man?—”
“Evan,” he said sharply.
“Sorry. Evan. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“The invitation stands,” he said. “I would like you to come hang out regardless of where the night leads. I miss you, E.”
“Fuck, I miss you too.”
“Well, you know how to remedy that.”
I swallowed and looked away from him. Could I do it? Come here and see what happens? I hadn’t fucked since Celeste raped me. I likely didn’t even remember how. These days, I ignored my urges. It was rare for me to even join Enzo and Cole. They’d jerk off together, and I’d just go to bed or bury myself in work.
I hadn’t come in a long fucking time.
If I were to, I knew I wanted Rosalie to break my streak.
“We’ll see,” I muttered. “I have Laz and stuff. Work. Meetings. Grading papers?—”
“I hear an awful lot of excuses.” He didn’t say anything else. He simply stood, walked to the balcony, and lit a cigarette. I watched him smoke for a moment before getting up and going to him.
“Evan?” I called out as I stood in the doorway.
“What?” He didn’t bother looking at me. He took another deep drag on his cigarette before blowing out the smoke. It hung like an angry cloud above him.
“I don’t want to hurt Rosalie,” I said.
He didn’t say anything as he stared out at the city.
I stepped up to him at the railing.
“I’m not the guy you remember. I’m not sweet and quiet. I’m not dependent on drugs. I’m a monster. I kill people weekly. I’m scarred to fuck. I have a son that was created through rape?—”
“These things only matter if you let them matter,” he said, still not looking at me. “We have always killed people. We have always all been monsters. I’m scarred. As for your kid…” He finally looked over at me. “His origins don’t matter. What matters is that he’s here now and deserves to have a happy father who can give him a good life. If you think you’d be better off doing that alone without Ro and the rest of us, so be it. Just know that if you decide to join us, he becomes our son too. He will be loved and cherished just like Ellis is. Nothing about his conception will ever be held against him.”
I nodded, my throat tight. I quickly turned away and wiped at my eyes.
Evan didn’t press me further on it, but I know he knew I shed some tears.
I heard movement in the living room and pulled myself together. Evan turned with me, and I watched as Rosalie came into the room wearing a pretty summer dress, Cole at her side. I smiled as I watched him take her into the kitchen and kiss her before he lifted her and placed her on the counter.
He pulled out a pan and grabbed eggs from the fridge.
He was going to make her breakfast.
