Page 149 of Be With Me
The way he lost it when he thought I was seriously ill. The warmth in his gaze when he'd cup my cheek and say things like, “You’ll be the death of me, Berry.” The fact that he took my lip gloss and apparently carried it around for nearly two months.
Even when he'd pushed me away, he worried about ruining my life… He was trying to protect me from what he saw as the biggest danger of all—himself.
The clues had been there. All I'd done was piece them together.
He cared for me. And God, I wanted to scream at him for making me hurt, as much as I wanted to comfort him for everything he’d been through. If only he’d let me help him chase his demons away. If only he’d been willing to try.
A part of me wished I’d been brave enough to tell him how I felt, but another part was relieved that I hadn’t.
I couldn’t say it to him and not hear it back. It would destroy me.
My gaze found my father, standing by the watercooler, talking to one of the staffers.
It killed me when I’d say those two words to him at the end of our weekly phone call when I was at boarding school, and he’d just say goodbye. Every time, it left me guessing where I stood with him and my stepmom.
When I was younger, I looked a lot like my mom. For a while, I'd wondered if that was why Aris never warmed up to me, or why Dad pulled away the way he did. But my face changed as I got older, and by the time I was fourteen, I didn’t resemble her as much anymore.
So then I started to worry if it was something deeper. Something within me.
Maybe I was just… not good enough.
A braver person would have asked. But I'd always been too afraid of the answer. So I tried to please everyone, and fix everything that might be wrong in hopes that one day, everything would be right.
My shoulders curved inward. It was all so exhausting.
I hadn’t been living my life the wayIwanted to. I’d allowed others to set my priorities. Steer my choices. Shape me into what they needed.
You’ve been betraying yourself over and over again.
I was even doing it right now.
Across the room, Jenny was talking to some of the staffers. Their laughter grated against my nerves.
I wanted to be home, curled under a blanket, music playing in my ears to drown out my thoughts. Or even just to be with my friends. I knew they would lend a sympathetic ear even after they found out about the secret I’d been hiding from them.
I didn’t want to be here.
Yet I was.
I drew in a long, slow breath.
Maybe it was time I actually listened to myself.
My hand closed around my purse.
I’m leaving.
A weird sensation tugged on me, like someone was watching.
I scanned the room. It was my dad. He was still mid-conversation by the watercooler, but his eyes were on me.
Had he picked up on the fact that I was about to leave? The usual pang of guilt hit me, but I chose to ignore it.
I shot him a tight smile. He returned it, but it was somehow off.
Was he annoyed with me? For once, I couldn’t bring myself to care. There were more pressing things on my mind, including what I was going to tell Jenny tomorrow. According to the deadline she’d given me, I still had another day.
The way things stood, Romolo and I were over.
