Page 37 of Prickly Pair
Maybe because my life felt like it was falling apart. Maybe because I had so much on my plate and I wasn’t sure how I wasgoing to accomplish it all. I knew that I was overworked. I felt it in my bones. I knew I needed to rest, but how? How was I supposed to rest when I was still fixing all of the small broken things Dad left behind? Credit cards that were maxed out. Loans none of us ever knew about. I’d shielded Avery and Dallas from the brunt of it, but goddamn it, our dad had really left a fucking mess.
And I missed him. Every day, I missed him.
I just wished I could miss him without worrying about the future. I had countless missed calls from Phil, the sleazy debt collector. He’d even started sending me threatening letters too. It was all a mess.
The fucked up thing about it all was that I never wanted to stay in Whynot. Nick was a reminder of that. I was jealous he’d gotten out and been able to see the world. I may have fallen down an internet rabbit hole looking into his work history and tracing all his steps. He’s done so much over the years. Built himself up. Just looking at his LinkedIn profile made me jealous.
I thought that would be me. Instead, I was stuck here. I loved Whynot, of course. It was home. I couldn’t imagine a world where I didn’t wake up to a dusty desert sun or a summer without the dry heat or a life without all of the nosy old people that liked to harass me.
I didn’t think I’d stay though. Right before Dad’s heart attack, I’d started looking at a grad program up in Minnesota. With Levi off and living his life as a professional hockey player, part of me hoped to join him. If only to experience a place I’d never been to before. I’d even submitted an application for an apartment without telling anyone.
But then he died. And I found out Avery was in trouble. And suddenly IwasDad. I had the answers. I was the pillar. Everything fell on my shoulders, and there was no way I could have left after that.
But now, almost five years of my life had flown by. Five fucking years of missing the man who made all of our lives better while he was alive.
My throat tightened as I parked along the street and looked out across the cemetery. I could see his headstone. Mom used to keep up with the flowers there, but that’d started dwindling about nine months ago. Maybe it was a good thing, like she was finally moving on. It didn’t stop the tear in my chest though.
“Fuck,” I muttered. I craned my head to look in the backseat, rummaging around until I found a ball cap tucked under one of the seats. I shook it out and realized it was an old favorite of mine. It’d probably been missing for about three years.
Perfect.
I hopped out of the truck and pushed open the iron gate, winding up the path until I came to his grave. I knelt and put the ball cap in front of it.
“I miss you,” I whispered.
My vision blurred and I felt the weight of exhaustion in my bones. It wasn’t that I wanted to stop living, I just wanted to stop living like this. But I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to let go.
“I wish you would have given me a heads up,” I whispered. “It would have made this a lot fucking easier. Not that you could have known when you were gonna have a heart attack, but hiding the issues you’d been having from us would have lessened the fucking shock some.”
The words kept pouring out and I wiped my cheeks.
“I want to fall in love. I want to have a family. But how in the hell am I supposed to be there for someone else when I’m still picking up the pieces you left behind, Dad? You would have loved seeing Avery and Dallas each fall for two someones. Probably would have been confused as hell about the polyamory thing the first time around with Avery, but you loved Levi andMateo. You wouldn’t have lost your shit on them dating like I did.”
I exhaled slowly, my shoulders trembling.
“I don’t get it. I don’t get why you kept so many secrets. I don’t understand how you got into such a bad financial mess. The three of us have been lucky to have gotten through most of it. Avery and Dallas are successful with their businesses, and I’ve had good luck too. But still. Why’d you ever help people before helping yourself first?”
My own words hurt my own damn feelings. I was like him, wasn’t I?Fuck.I wiped my eyes and let my head fall back, glaring up at the blue sky. The sun was too bright so I closed them, letting the warmth hold me together for just a couple minutes.
It was such bullshit that he died. He’d been too young to go.
I loved my dad, but I never wanted to be anything like him. So how in the hell had I ended upexactlylike him?
I spent a few more minutes pulling myself together before hopping back in the truck and driving over to Dallas’s shop. The garage door was open and fans were running overtime trying to keep him from melting into the concrete.
Dallas was under a truck, his boots sticking out. I opened the mini fridge and grabbed a soda as I waited for him to roll back out. Rock music roared around us and it smelled like grease and sweat.
Finally, he rolled out from under and sat up. His line of sight landed on me and his brows shot up.
“Hey,” I said.
“You look?—”
“Don’t even fucking start with me right now,” I growled.
He held up his hands and stood up. I tossed him a water bottle. He cracked it open and drained almost all of it.
“So?” Dallas asked. “You gonna talk or are you gonna stand there?”
