Page 66 of Exit: Us
When we finished, we cleaned together. Put everything back where it belonged, and now that we were done, Amina was standing in front of me. She had her arms wrapped around my neck, while mine were glued to her ass, placing kisses on her forehead. She eventually jumped up in my arms, so that I could carry her.
Like she was a baby, I slowly bounced her in my arms, while rubbing her back. She was placing soft kisses on my neck. She did that for about two minutes, and then lifted her head, so that she could look at me. Her eyes were a little misty.
“What’s wrong?” I wanted to know.
“I feel like my feelings for you are growing by the second,” she admitted through a nervous laugh, and a tear falling down her face, that I kissed away. I smiled at her words, knowing what she felt because I felt the same way. Like she said, my feelings were growing by the second, not the days.
“You love me?” I just went ahead and asked the million-dollar question. When I asked her that question, she dropped a couple of more tears, while nodding her head up and down, letting me know that she loved me.
“Say it then. Tell me you love me,” I encouraged her to do it.
“I love you so much, Gemini,” she was able to get it out to me, even with her voice cracking.
The emotion that went into her telling me she loved me, let me know that she was for real. I could feel it. It was obvious in the way she looked me in my eyes to say it. The way her body was trembling. The way she had her arms wrapped around me, damn near clinging onto me.
“I love you too, baby. I promise I do,” I replied, and when I said it to her, she broke.
She cried soft tears, that I kissed away from her. I knew why Amina was crying without her even having to tell me. Her ex broke her down. Calling off a wedding just a week before it’sset to happen, would fuck anyone up. It could fuck with your mental, and your self- esteem.
“I feel like you always come up with the fun stuff for us. Can I suggest something for us tonight?” Amina asked me, as I was lowering her down to the ground.
“It’s your world. What you want to do?” I asked, looking down at her.
“I feel like things are getting a little serious between me, and you. We just confessed our love to each other. I want what we’re doing to work. Before we walk into this next phase, I want to leave things here. Basically, like whatever kind of baggage that we could possibly bring into this relationship, I want to use the firepit that’s over there and burn it. I have a journal in the car. I can give you a few sheets, and I’ll take a few sheets for myself. Whatever we choose to write down, we burn it,” she started. I stood here, taking in the things that she was saying. I liked the idea. I fucked with it. It told me how intentional she was being about us.
“I just don’t want to feel like I’m loving you, but I’m still holding onto heartbreak from Jacob. I don’t want to bring insecurities into what we’re doing, feeling like you’re going to hurt me just like he did. I know that you have things that you carry with you as well. I want you to leave them here. I want us to write down our fears. Any bad habits that we think could hinder the relationship. Wounds that we’re still trying to heal from. Anger, guilt, embarrassment. Leave it all here. We write it down, and then we burn it. I want to surrender it,” she finished.
“I like that. Go get the journal,” I said. With a smile on her face, she rushed off to the truck, so that she could get her journal.
Amina made it back to me in about two minutes. She came with her throw blanket, a few pieces of paper for me, and some for herself. She handed me a pen and kept one for herself too.
We walked over to the firepit. There were pieces of firewood already inside the firepit. I arranged them inside, putting them how I wanted it, and because there was already a lighter in my back pocket, all I had to do was pull it out, and I bent down a little bit. I flicked the lighter, and all it took was a few seconds before the flames began raising across the wood. Now that we had the fire burning, Amina and I were able to sit down. She sat on the side of me, putting the throw blanket in her lap, and with her pen, and paper in hand, she started writing.
It’s almost as if she knew exactly what she wanted to write down. I knew that I had flaws, anger, some trauma, and things like that, that I lived with, but I wanted to ponder on them before I started writing them down. I wanted to think about where I should start. As if a lightbulb went off in my head, I put the paper in my lap and started. The music was still playing in the background, as Amina and I shared this moment together.
We were sharing a moment that felt just as intimate as sex. Amina put me in a position tonight to touch the parts of me that I don’t often like to talk about. My biological father was a touchy subject for me. Yeah, I was a grown ass man, who had the luxury of being raised by a phenomenal man, but beneath all this toughness, there was still that little boy in me that would have died to have that relationship with my biological father. I’ll admit that his absence played a huge part in why I was the man that I am today. The sole reason why I’m 35 years old, and I still don’t have children of my own. I never wanted to be a slack ass daddy like he was. I wanted to give my children all of me, or nothing at all.
I’ve never felt like I was ready to expand my company, and hire drivers, while I stayed home in Miami to have a family. Being on this truck with Amina, she changed my mindset. She had me feeling like there were things that I could do. Habits that I could break. Mindsets that I could get out of. I wrote downall the fears, and some of the anger that I lived with. Before I knew it, I’d filled up just about all the pieces of paper that Amina handed to me. She filled hers up as well.
“I’m finished. You?” I asked her, as I stood up.
“Yeah. I’m done,” she said. I reached my hand down, so that I could help her stand up.
The fire was burning, and Amina and I took steps towards it. Since this was her plan, I turned to look at her, wanting to know what we were going to do next. She smiled and then cleared her throat.
“Your paper is just as full as mine. I understand if there are some things that we want to keep just between ourselves, and God. I won’t ask you to read everything that you wrote down. Just list three things that you mainly want to get rid of, and we’ll raise our papers at the same time, and we’ll toss it in together. Okay?” she asked me.
“Aight. Ladies first,” I said, and with a smile on her face, she nodded.
“I’m surrendering the heartbreak that I’ve been carrying from Jacob. I don’t want to give that broken part of me to you. It isn’t fair. I’m surrendering the embarrassment that I’ve been feeling because my life didn’t go the way that I expected it to go. I’m surrendering the fears that I have when it comes to men. Those are my three,” Amina went on to say. I smiled, nodded, and then cleared my throat, so that I could go.
“I’m surrendering anger that I have in my heart for my biological father. He left a mark on me by giving up on me, but I want to leave the anger and the hate that I have for him here. I’m surrendering the idea that I was put on this earth to carry everything on my own. I don’t have to always be strong. I can step back from time to time and allow someone the chance to be strong for me. I’m surrendering the punishment that I’ve put onmyself for years for the sadness that I brought upon my mom when I got in trouble with the law,” I finished.
The last part hit deep for me because a lot of people didn’t know that I was still punishing myself for how I hurt my mom. Even though we’ve long gone moved past that stage in my life, I still think about it from time to time, and I hate that I even put her in a position to hurt like that. Knowing the sacrifices that she’s always made for me, and how she did everything in her power to keep me out of the streets, but I still went on, doing my own thing, hurt me that I did her like that.
“Okay. Let’s raise our papers in the air, and we’re going to surrender it,” Amina said.
I did like she said, raising the papers, and we counted down from three together.
