Page 99 of Logan
I feel Payden shift as she looks up at me. “Why not?”
“Aside from not bein’ able to have any myself? I’m not patient. I’m bad tempered. I like my life to be simple. Kids are messy and unpredictable.”
“What about older kids? Adopting? Fostering?”
I shrug. “Never really thought about it since finding out it isn’t possible. Plus, living above a bar isn’t exactly the kind of place to raise a family.” I’ve never thought about it before because I never met anyone I wanted a family with. “I also would never wanna take away from anyone wantin’ kids of their own, so that bothered me.”
“I’ve never been very maternal,” Payden admits. “I mean, I like kids, but I’ve never had that maternal need to have a child. I love the women of the club who are all having babies and it’s exciting. I’m happy for them. But I just don’t think that’s for me.”
“I think it’s better to know what you want and what you don’t want. No point in havin’ a kid if it ain’t for you.”
“Then again, I’ve always been more drawn to older kids. I’ve seen quite a lot in my years of being an attorney, and so many kids are in the foster care system that need a home. Teenagers especially. That, I could do,” she goes on, surprising me. “There was a kid in our neighborhood growing up who went from foster home to foster home. I’ll never forget the look on her face when they came to take her away again. She was broken. Lost. She just wanted a family to reach out and love her, you know? To be wanted. I begged my parents but they were too set in their ways and they didn’t want another kid. Even now it makes me feel sad.”
I kiss the top of her head, loving this vulnerable side to her. “You’re a good person. You have a good heart.”
“You know you totally side stepped about your ex.”
“I did not, I answered the question,” I say, stroking her cheek. “The fact was, she left. I gave her an out and she took it. That told me everything. I cared for her, heck, I may have even loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. I knew I wasn’t in it for the right reasons.”
“So, you’re destined to be a serial bachelor?”
I look down at her. Her silky hair splayed across my chest like ink. This is how it should be—her naked against me in bed every single night. I don’t want to keep things from her, but I struggle with emotions. I was taught by my father not to show any, especially to a woman. While I know what he told me was a load of shit—the man was a drunk, after all—some things just stay with you as much as you try to push them down.
“I was.”
Her voice lowers to a whisper. “Past tense?”
“Somewhere along the way, the lines have become blurred, Payden. I want more.”
She blinks, her pretty eyes looking at me with an innocence that has my heart hammering in my chest. “What if I want more, too?”
“You can have it.” I kiss her nose. “I know I’ve never felt this way before. Will I scare you away sayin’ I see a future with you?”
Her lips part, her eyes softening. “I haven’t been entirely honest myself,” she says, surprising me. “I-I’ve been feeling things for you, too, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”
I’m gentle when I ask, “Why not?”
She shrugs. “I honestly don’t know. Old habits die hard, and I’m so used to doing things by myself. I don’t rely on anyone, but that shit gets lonely. I love being with you, Logan. You make me feel… alive. Like I can be myself no matter what.”
“You can, always.”
“Even if I’m a grumpy bitch?”
“Especially then if it means we argue but then get to have amazing makeup sex.”
She thumps me on the arm. “Jesus, did we just have our first heart-to-heart?”
I chuckle. “You’re makin’ me weak, that isn’t good in a clubhouse full of bikers.”
“You’ll keep me safe.”
I bend to kiss her on the lips. “You know I will.”
My heart hammers in my chest when she puts her hands on me, rolling on top of me as we kiss.
“You just know all the right things to say, don’t you, Logey-bear.”
I grin against her mouth. “Well, when I heard you talkin’ to Luna, it made me realize a few things.”
