Page 39 of An Arcane Education
“Because your magic is tied to your emotions, poor emotional regulation means unstable power. You said before that you were sort of a caretaker in your household, yes?”
I nod. The way he’s looking at me feels entirely too intimate, like he’s examining my soul through my eyes. I shift in my seat but can’t seem to look away from him. He’s captivating.
Dr. Vale continues. “If I’m guessing correctly, then you’ve spent most of your energy managing everyoneelse's needs and emotions, so much so that your own get suppressed, stored away because there's no time or space to properly process them. Does that sound right?”
Well, shit. He hit the nail on the head there. “That does sound accurate,” I admit.
“Magic doesn't recognize that suppression as control. It interprets stored emotion as fuel, so the more you bottle up, the more volatile your magic becomes. In order to properly control your magic, you’ll need to learn how to process your emotions in a healthy way.”
“So, how do I do that?” I ask. “Is there some sort of magical therapist I can see here that’ll fix me?”
He chuckles, and my traitorous heart skips a beat. “You could see a therapist if you’d like, yes. But everyone has their own methods for emotional maintenance, so to speak. Some write in a journal or do artwork, others exercise or simply talk to a friend. You will learn meditation techniques with Professor Showen this semester, as those are universally helpful. It’s a delicate balance of allowing yourself to genuinely feel and process something without ruminating on it, then being able to set those feelings aside or channel them in a controlled manner when you’re performing magic. Otherwise, everything will accumulate and become unpredictable and unstable, even explosive, if ignored.”
“What do you do for yourself?” I ask. “For emotional maintenance or whatever.”
He pauses, then says, “Reading. Playing chess. My research.”
“Was that what you were working on when I came here? Your research?”
“Yes. But the focus of this session is you. Do you have any hobbies you’ve used in the past as a way to relax?”
“Besides taking care of my plants? Hiking, whenever I was able to make the time.”
“Well, since we’re on an island, there aren’t really any true hiking areas, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, but there are some nice walking paths. I’d encourage you to try those out and make it a point to work walking into your schedule.”
I don’t mention that I’ve already explored the forest more than I should have. “Sounds good.”
“But don’t forget that the most important thing is still to allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than suppressing them. It can also help to find a friend to spend time and speak with.”
“Got it.”
“On that note—” he stands, walks across the room, and picks up the small flower pot “—for now, we can practice separating emotion from magical intention in the short term while you work on the long-term application.”
My stomach clenches as he sets the flowerpot on the table before me with a dull clang and lowers himself back into his seat. A large, healthy succulent sits in the middle of the pot, its pointed leaves creating a beautiful circular symmetry.
“I want you to try the same thing we attempted in the lab on Tuesday, but on a lower scale. All I want you to do is cause a leaf to grow, but do so slowly; aim for ten minutes. When you’re using your power, do not let your mind stray. If you happen to think about something, don’t get frustrated. Acknowledge the thought and set it aside.Visualize placing it somewhere outside yourself, like a mental box, for later. You had a handle on the lab before your mind strayed, so attempt to focus in the same way. Okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Close your eyes and pretend I’m not here, if that helps.”
I do exactly that, not wanting to admit that his presence makes me nervous in ways I can’t articulate. I reach forward and rest my fingertips on the soil, searching for the heat in my chest that sparks to life quicker than before.
The pulse of energy flows through me, and I envision it as a warm light trickling down my limbs and through my fingertips, controlling it in the same way I did this afternoon. Whenever a stray thought appears, I dismiss it and continue to focus on the task at hand.
It’s more difficult than I thought it would be to maintain my focus for so long, but with steady breathing and concerted, intentional effort, I manage. My energy is connected with the thriving plant, a serene vibration that hums between us.
After what I assume to be about ten minutes, I open my eyes and find a small, healthy-looking leaf that wasn’t there before.
“Oh my god, I did it!” I grin at Alaric, and to my surprise, he grins back with a smile that could light up the world, one filled with pride.
It only lasts a second, but I’m certain that image will stay burned into my brain for a very long time. “Wonderful. Now, cut off your magic as you pull your hands away, severing the bond between you and the plant.”
I do as he says, envisioning the invisible thread between me and the flower snapping.
“Well done,” he says, and the praise makes my heart constrict.
The excitement and pride bubbling through me make my eyes burn with happy tears, even though crying over something so minuscule would be embarrassing. But then I remember what Dr. Vale said about allowing myself to feel my emotions, and I’m torn between letting the tears fall or trying to force them back. Taking deep breaths to steady myself, I allow the tears to fall but wipe them away quickly. “Sorry, it's just, this is the first time I've done magic on purpose without it going catastrophically wrong.”
