Page 63 of Next Time We'll Fall

I stand there, feeling super self-conscious, and I’m not sure what to do next.

I look down at my fingernails and take a couple of deep breaths.

“Don’t mind her,” a cute Asian girl says, beaming at me. “She thinks she’s going to win just because she has two hundred thousand followers on Instagram, but I know for a fact that the only reason she’s that popular is because she has an OnlyFans account, where she does a lot more than just take off her clothes.”

“Oh,” I say, my eyes widening. “Wow.”

“I know, right? Crazy. She’s going to act all high and mighty, but, like, whatever, girl. I know you’re fucking for money. I mean, not that I’m judging her because all work is work and sex workers are people, too, but she needs to stop thinking that she is going to be the guaranteed winner of this season just because she has a lot of followers. I think August might be interested in me as well.”

“You’re very beautiful,” I say quickly.

“Thanks. So are you. I’m Lily.”

“Nice to meet you, Lily. I’m Juniper.”

“Oh, that’s a cute name, like the juniper berry.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Sorry, I’m feeling a little bit self-conscious, and I don’t know if I should be here because I don’t feel like …”

“You don’t feel like what?”

“I don’t feel like I fit in with the cast. Plus, I thought I was looking pretty sexy, and now all my confidence is gone.” I groan. “Sorry. I’m all over the place right now. I just had a weird night.”

“Ooh, tell me more.”

“I don’t really know if I should say anything,” I admit as I look at her.

She gives me a kind smile, and I let it all out.

“Okay, so I’ve had this crush on my best friend’s brother for years, and he totally was not interested. Well, at one point, I thought he might be interested because on my eighteenthbirthday, we kind of shared a kiss, but then he told me nothing would ever happen. And then, recently, he and I actually kissed again, and actually, we did more than kiss, and now he’s acting all jealous and being weird, especially now that he knows I’m on this dating show. And I don’t really understand why because it’s come out of nowhere. But I really am interested in him, and he kind of gave me an orgasm last night, and I just …” I pause. “Sorry. TMI.”

“No, girl. This sounds juicy as fucking hell. So, let me get this straight. He found out you were going to be on this show, and then, all of a sudden, he’s giving you orgasms?”

“Yeah.”

“Dang. So, you guys never fucked before last night?”

“Oh, no. We didn’t have sex.” I smile at her. “He came over, and we kind of ended up with no clothes, and he kind of went down on me.”

“Oh, yeah, girl. High five.” She puts her hand up and slaps her hand against mine. I feel slightly embarrassed, but still empowered. “I’m guessing he knew how to work his tongue.”

“Oh my gosh. I cannot believe I am admitting this out loud, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel weird because it’s weird that I’m going to be on this show, competing for a date with August Pitt, when I kind of have a thing for my best friend’s brother, who seems like he may kind of have a thing for me, but he’s never actually asked me on a date? And I don’t know if it’s just a sex thing, but I don’t even know if I care if it’s just a sex thing because I’ve wanted him for so long and … I sound like I’m losing my mind, don’t I?”

“No, girl. You sound like you are where all of us women have been at one point in time. It sounds to me that he is obviously attracted to you because you’re gorgeous, and he probably sees you’re not just waiting around for him. He realizes that if he wants to be with you, he needs to step up.

“But that’s the thing: he hasn’t actually stepped up in any way. I kind of need to win this because I need the money, and I’m kind of annoyed because I feel like he wasn’t interested in me up until recently because now he feels like maybe I’m not just a boring stick in the mud, and I’m actually doing things, and guys like me. And this just feels like a really weird time to have this revelation. And I feel like I’m conflicted because how am I going to be on this show, knowing that I don’t really want to win the hand of August? But I do kind of want to win the hand of August because I want the money. And, oh my gosh, are you going to tell the producers?”

She looks at me and smiles. “Girl, I’m going to share a secret with you. I’m engaged.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m engaged,” she whispers, “to a handsome Nigerian man who works in engineering, who absolutely loves me, who knows I’m on the show and supports me. But I want to be an actress, and while this isn’t the first choice of me making it in Hollywood, this is an avenue. And if I win, or even go far, people will see my face, and maybe I’ll get me an agent, and maybe I’ll book some real roles. So, girl, I’m not judging you.

“Treat this as a way of getting your man or getting what you want. And if you need the money, shit, go for it. I heard August’s only doing this for some good PR because he got busted with some prostitutes and now he’s trying to look like he actually wants to settle down.”

“No way.”

“What? Yeah, girl. You really don’t know much about Hollywood, do you?”