Page 30 of I Dare You
Today is Saturday, which means it’s adoption day.
The babies are usually viewed by appointment only because the sisters try to encourage people to consider the older children, who are often overlooked.
At the moment, we have twelve children in our care.
How they came to be here varied.
Some were given up for adoption by teenage moms who couldn’t look after a child, while others, their parents had died of an overdose.This was the most common reason.All in all, these kids may not have had the best start in life, but now, they’re in the right place.
Saint Carmichael’s Orphanage doesn’t have a corrupt priest or cruel sisters.Nor is it a guise for something sinister.It doesn’t exploit people or money.It is an above-board establishment that doesn’t hide any secrets.
It almost has me believing that God and good people do exist.
Almost…
“Morning, Olivia,” says Sister Tay.“I see that you’ve already tended to the babies.Thank you.”
Thankfully, we only have three newborns with us.It breaks my heart when there are more.These innocent children didn’t do anything to deserve this.But life sometimes just doesn’t give a fuck.
“My pleasure.Do you need any help with the older kids?”
The sisters help the older children pick out their clothes and get ready for their big day.It’s bittersweet.I’m overjoyed when they get adopted, but a part of me is sad to say goodbye.I’ve never really had anything to call my own.So these kids are the closest thing to that.
Perhaps I am not totally dead inside.
Thinking back to the night that changed my life and how I often replay the squelching of running that fucker over with nothing but pleasure, I know that I am forever damaged goods.
I should feel some sort of remorse.
But I don’t.
Perhaps that’s why I stay here.
Perhaps being in this holy place, a part of me believes I’ll be absolved of my sins.Perhaps I believe that by doing good, I can erase the bad.
But deep down, I know that isn’t possible for a sinner like me.
I sought help and found it…in my own way.
I found it when I found…her.
Before her, the blackouts I experienced after the night in the woods were plentiful.But with her, they were few.
There is a darkness eating away at me, and the only way I can expel it is by doing immoral things.
Once, the pain etched into my palms by my fingernails was enough of a release.As I got older, Dandy suggested an elastic band around my wrist.But now, I seek out carnal delights to appease my inner demons that crave a bloodstained kiss.
What happened to me out in the woods flicked a switch, and now, it’s permanently stuck.My light was on, but now, now it’s perpetual darkness.I tried to resist the temptations that linger in the gallows, but in the end, it was too strong.
But I didn’t really fight it because I didn’t want to.
So, by day, I work here at the orphanage.
But come dusk, Olivia gives way to Hallie because she never really left.
I do the things I do come nightfall because no one sees a shadow in the dark.
And that’s what I am.
