Page 75 of I Dare You
“Thataboy!Make her scream!”
I hate that Smokes still lives rent-free in my head.Even dead, I’m letting him win.I thought killing him would silence the demons.
I break the kiss and gaze into Kit’s eyes, which are brimming with passion.“If you had the chance to undo the worst thing you’ve ever done, would you?”
I decide to ask him the same thing he did to me.
It’s a question that reveals there is so much more to Kit than simply his good looks.
His eyes turn poignant.“It’s a tough question when the roles are reversed.”
I give him time to answer because I can see his answer will be as deep as mine.
“Yes, without a doubt.Some may live with their repercussions, but I will never accept mine.”
“And what is it?”
Kit Rivers is at a loss for words.I would usually gloat, but it’s apparent this is something that he hasn’t shared with many.
“I lost my father.To suicide.He hung himself.I was the one to find him in the garage.”
I frown, my heart breaking all over again for the Rivers brothers.Dandy told me his father took his own life, but never went into detail.
“It’s all my fault,” Kit confesses, lowering his eyes downward.
“Someone taking their own life is no one’s fault other than the person who made that decision.”
But Kit stubbornly shakes his head.“My mom asked me to keep an eye on him.He lost his job and was depressed.He didn’t feel worthy and didn’t see himself as a man.He saw himself as a failure.
“But I was chasing some girl.Can you believe that?I don’t even remember her fucking name.All my mom asked was to be with my dad until she got back from grocery shopping.But I was so fucking selfish and thought, what’s the worst that can happen?”
Kit found that rhetorical question out the hard way.
“Dad was diagnosed with depression.He took a bottle of his meds, downed it with a cheap bottle of scotch, and to make sure he finished the job, he fucking hung himself in the garage, where my car should have been parked.
“I will never forgive myself because, what if my car was there?Would he have thought twice about fucking killing himself?I mean, it’s not like he could have gotten to the rafter with my car in the way.Would he have realized the impact his death would have on his family and changed his mind?
“I’ll never fucking know.”
Dandy did not tell me any of this.Perhaps he doesn’t know.Perhaps his mother and Kit wanted to save him the heartache of knowing the full extent his father went to end his life.
“I can never go back and beg him to stop being such a selfish asshole.I’ll never have the chance to tell him what a fucking great dad he was.And for that, Cupcake, I will never forgive myself.
“I would take my dad’s place in a heartbeat if it saved my mom and my brother the pain they’ve suffered over the years.But I’ve failed them both.”
The mere mention of Dandy has me almost blowing my cover.
“I think my brother is suffering from the same mental illness as my dad, and I’m afraid one fucking day, I’ll walk into that garage and find him hanging from the rafter, just as I did my dad.”
“Kit—” I place my hand on his cheek and am surprised when he turns into it.“That’s the thing about hindsight.It’s fucking useless.Our choices are shaped by our circumstances, leading us to make decisions that seem right in the moment.The future remains uncertain for everyone.”
“I know, but I should have done more.I failed my dad.I failed my family.My brother is fucking falling apart, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
He presses his forehead to mine, and the gesture touches me because it displays trust and vulnerability.We’ve both surrendered to each other tonight.And it’s beautiful.
However, hearing this about Dandy and Kit is like a kick to the guts—twice.
I want to take away their pain because this, like my anguish, is something that changes you.I want to be there for Kit.And I want to be there for Dandy.
