Page 102 of Roman Blake
“I’m tired of wakin’ up at three in the mornin’ thinkin’ ‘bout all the ways this can go wrong,” I said, sobbin’ now. “And you sleep next to me like you ain’t got a care in the world. I know you got weight on you too, but I don’t see it. I just see the back of your head every time the phone ring.”
I covered my face with my hands.
“I don’t wanna resent you,” I whispered. “But it’s creepin’ in. And that scares me more than any of this.”
He didn’t say nothin’ for a second.
Then I felt his hands leave my knees.
For a second, panic shot through me.
He walkin’ out.
Then the bed dipped next to me.
He sat down, pulled my hands gently away from my face.
His eyes were shiny.
“Look at me,” he said.
So I did as I was told.
“I’m scared too,” he said quietly. “More than I ever told you.”
My breath hitched.
“I’m scared I’ma turn into my daddy,” he continued. “Workin’ all day, disappearin’ all night, callin’ it ‘makin’ money’ while my family feel like I ain’t present. I’m scared I’ma fail youand the babies before they even get here. I’m scared I’ma miss somethin’ important ‘cause I was ‘handling business.’”
He looked down at his hands.
“That’s why I been movin’ like I been movin’,” he said. “If I can stack enough now, get enough shit in place, maybe I won’t have to hustle as hard once they come. That’s the story in my head. But I hear you… that it ain’tfeelin’like that to you.”
He looked back up.
“All you see is me walkin’ out the door,” he said. “You don’t see what I’m carryin’ in my chest when I do it.”
The silence stretched between us, thick as hell.
“I’m not sayin’ you wrong for how you feel,” he added. “You not. I just… don’t want you thinkin’ I’m leavin’ you to drown on purpose. I’m out here tryna build y’all a boat. I just ain’t communicated that worth a damn.”
A short, wet laugh slipped outta me.
He smiled a little behind his own tears.
“What Icando,” he said, “is change how I move. Not just for the babies. For you.”
“How?” I asked, voice small.
“First off, no more disappearin’ without sayin’ where I’m at and when I’ll be back,” he said. “We grown. I can tell you, ‘Babe, I’m slidin’ here, gon’ be home by this time.’ You deserve that. Second, I’m settin’ boundaries on this work shit. Certain nights is off limits. Once these boys here, I’m pickin’ one, two days out the week where I don’t take nothin’ after a certain hour. Non-negotiable.”
I sniffed. “You think that’s realistic?”
He nodded. “If I can do all this dirt timing, I can do right timing,” he said. “And we gon’ ask for help. You not gon’ be Superwoman in here by yourself. We got My parents. We got Melissa. We got Charlee and Truce. Royce and April. Our babies gon’ be straight. You not carryin’ all this on your back alone.”
The thought of actually askin’ for help made my pride twitch.
But the thought of tryin’ to do it all without it made my whole soul tired.
