Page 71 of Seasons of War
Whatever he did next, Kira could endure it, because she needed to say this to him, no matter how he handled it. Whether he hurt her, or lashed out, or refused to look at her again when he finally—finally—let himself see her. Accepting his apology felt safer and kinder, but she needed to fight for herself to survive in captivity. Kira endured the doubt and fear and refused to cower.
But, damn, did it hurt when he tore his eyes away and left her all alone.
Zayne scanned the trees again, already gone and probably forever. Worse, he turned away from her toward the house. An ache throbbed at her core even though she expected this.
Moments swirled with this one—Dr. Cooper turning off the video of young Zayne, the prison door slamming shut with nothing but darkness as her companion, the soldiers ripping her out of Mom's arms.
Kira hated being alone.
That ache surged into the searing pain of waking up in the children's home. Kira closed her eyes, not ready to see Zayne walk away after she opened up to him. Except the crunch of leaves beneath his boots stopped, and she opened her eyes to see him reach up to a spindly branch hanging overhead. With a touch that looked too gentle for him, he dislodged a bud with a frail shoot creeping out of it.
Still trapped in that old pain, Kira struggled for breath and watched with limp arms as Zayne came back to her. As he walked close enough to touch and waited until she met his eyes.
“My mom brought me out every year at the end of winter, and we searched for the first signs of spring.” Blue waters lapped beneath the gray of his eyes, his look gentle but not soft, just like a beach where mild waves disguised raging riptides. It was dangerous venturing into his waters, not knowing when she'd step too far and be thrown out into the ocean to drown.
Zayne lifted that little bud between his fingers into her line of sight. “She told me to never crush the sprouts of the first flowers. Soon, buds will break on all the trees, and it won't be alone.”
With her heart ripped open already, the unexpected kindness burrowed deeper into her than it may otherwise, washing down into fissures left too dry in captivity.
“Keep it,” he said.
In shock, she lifted her palm. Zayne dropped it into her grasp, not risking the slightest graze of his fingertips along her skin.
The anger and pain melted away into understanding, and she fit a few of his pieces together.
“Don't hit yourself either.” Kira closed her hand around the sprout to protect it from the rest of the world.
One firm nod. His body looked so tense, and Kira felt his pain in her chest. Letting down his defenses hurt him.
Kira had no idea what kind of man Zayne had become, but tonight he showed her the reprogramming didn't purge the righteousness from his heart completely. It once drove him to sacrifice himself for a girl, and at least a sprout of that goodness remained. Possibly far more. That was something for Kira to hold onto. She would draw that desperation to do good out of him. And if she failed at that, she would sit with that boy who everyone abandoned to drown in a tank of freezing water. Left to the whims of a doctor who preferred maiming minds over healing them.
The icy waters of the tank never left Zayne. Kira only endured a day alone with Dr. Cooper. How long was Zayne trapped with him as a boy? Knowing his own father sent him there.
Even so, he warmed his frigid waters for her to make amends.
“Dr. Cooper told me what he did to you,” Kira said. “That he drugged you and exposed your secrets to me.” Fury reawakened inside of her. How traumatic was it to return to the man who reprogrammed him? “I saw scars you didn't want to share and asked you about them. So, I'm sorry too.”
Rare fire flushed Zayne's eyes. “You owe me no apologies. I imprisoned you. I hurt you and called it helping.” He stalked closer, his closeness rippling along her skin. “Kira. You're the fucking victim in all of this. My victim. Donotsay sorry to me. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing.”
Zayne had never spoken her name before. Hearing him say it, calling out to the person in her, hurt more than anything else tonight, in ways she didn't even understand.
Tears pinched her voice. “He used me to hurt you.”
Zayne worked his jaw, breathing harder than normal. “That's not your fault.” He paced a few feet away and grabbed a tree branch above his head, back to her. “You're in a precarious position in the middle of a ruthless operation. Focus on yourself.”
Care washed over his threats and glares, coating her memory of his cruelty, changing the way he looked and sounded. It was the most dangerous thing he'dever done, because she couldn't resist the flutter in her chest at realizing he'd always cared.
And he finally said her name.
Kira couldn't prove him right by trusting him. Had to resist the way the past rewrote itself.
“Dr. Cooper didn't want me to hide from you because he's using me to destroy you. I meant it when I said I'm a poison you'll drink, not because you're a fool, but because you're a good person. I needed you to see me as cruel to avoid something more dangerous. Just because I care, just because I don't want to hurt you, does not mean I'm safe.” His voice turned guttural. “I am not safe for you.”
Her knees went weak from the deluge of emotions tearing at her heart. Zayne never spoke to her with hatred, but with fear. So, she nodded, because she wasn't foolish enough to look at a man covered in battle scars and pretend she knew more about war than him. “Okay,” she whispered.
“I wear his uniform. I'm branded with his double seals. My father is his right-hand. I'll be his right-hand one day. Don't trust me. Don't rely on me. Don't let me in, even if I try to get close. If I take one step toward you out there where everyone can see then run, because it's not me. It's the Phaedra.”
So many questions struggled to the surface of her mind, but she'd needed to be brave so much this week, so much tonight, that her spirit faltered.
