Page 76 of Vera Stein Is Fine
I hardly registered my body walking back inside until I saw Eli pacing in front of the couch.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” His voice was quiet. Wounded. Resigned. “Just tell me and get it over with.” His hair was a mess, like he’d taken out all of his stress on it. “I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew it was a matter of time and that you’d eventually go back.” He continued to pace, and I think this was the closest thing to panic I’d ever seen Eli get.
I stepped into his path and wrapped my fingers around his forearms. “I’m here,” I said. “I told him to leave. I’m still here.”
He heaved in a breath, his hand lifting to me briefly before he turned back and sat down on the edge of the couch with his head in his hands.
“Hey.” I went to sit beside him.
He let out a stuttering sigh, his spine arching with every breath.
“Hey.” I nudged his arm. “What’s going on?” This couldn’t just be about Brody.
“Edmundo,” he said. “The resident that went into the hospital tonight. He had an aneurysm.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t get a hold of his family in time. They were too late.” He squeezed his eyes shut and a few tears fell down his cheek. “I don’t know why this one hit me so hard. I think—I just didn’t expect it. I thought he was fine. Itoldhim he was fine. Fuck. Sorry.”
I pressed the palm of my hand to his back and rubbed circles just like my mom would when my head was too full of what-ifs or when Ruby had done something particularly infuriating.
“And then I got home to see Brody Turner standing in my living room and I just wanted to eviscerate him.”
“Eviscerating sounds very messy.” He didn’t laugh, so I went for what I really wanted to say. “Can you please tell me what happened between the two of you?”
He shook his head. “He’s a user, Vera.”
“What did he do to you?” I asked. “Was it something to do with your family? Some kind of connection he took advantage of? I don’t get it.”
His green eyes searched mine. “What did he want from you?”
“He wanted me to come back.”
“As his employee?” His voice was low enough to graze the floor.
“What else would I be to him?”
He swallowed slowly as his gaze lingered on my lips. “You loved him.”
I couldn’t find the words to say he was wrong.
“You always did, Vera. You loved him. He needed you. And maybe you loved to be needed by him. Whether you were helping him study or coaching him through family drama or giving him a pep talk before an audition. He would always do whatever it took to keep you around. Whatever it took.”
My chest flushed with shame. “Whatever it took? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Tell me you didn’t love him. Through all those years. Tell me and I’ll shut the hell up right now.”
“Why would that be any of your business, Eli?”
“It’s not. It stopped being my business the moment the annulment was finalized. Trust me. I know that. But let’s just say you did love him. What were you to him? Were you ever more than an employee and a friendly fuck?”
I couldn’t open my mouth without telling him the truth. A friendly fuck. It sounded so vulgar. So insignificant. It sounded nothing like how I felt for Brody and everything like how he treated me.
He went on, his tone softer. “Did it ever occur to you that he gave you just enough of what you desired to keep you around? That he’d been stringing you along for twenty years with no plans for the future?”
I shot up from the couch, my balance unsure as the pain of what he said rocked through me. Eli could play the nice guy all he wanted, but he always found a way to make what he thought of me crystal clear. My head was full of angry static. “Is that how you see me? Just a pity fuck?”
“No,” he said firmly as he stood to meet me. His eyes were wild and begging me to understand. “God, no, Vera. I see a boy—because that’s what Brody is. A boy. A boy who got used to needing you and knew that he could keep you around if he gave you a small taste of what you wanted in return.”
“And is it so incredibly impossible that someone like Brody could just want me? No strings attached. Is my presence—my body, my homely personality—such a nuisance? Am I that grotesque?”
He lunged forward then, his warm, trembling fingers curled firmly around my upper arms. “Don’t you ever—ever—refer to yourself that way again. For fuck’s sake, Vera. Don’t you get it? Brody’s been keeping you like a fucking houseplant. Giving you just enough light to stay alive, but not enough to grow.”
