Page 89 of Not Safe for Work
‘Kavya.’ He started to reach out for my hand and stopped short when I recoiled. ‘Hey, you do mean something to me. A lot, in fact.’
He ignored my bitter, disbelieving laugh and continued talking. ‘You’re right. I did pull back after that night.’ He leaned forward in an effort to meet my eye. ‘But I swear I wasn’t trying to run. I just needed a second to clean up my mess with Aarushi so I wouldn’t drag you into it.’
‘And instead of telling me that, you thought shutting me out was a good idea?’ I snapped. ‘Really, Neil?’
‘Clearly not,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I fucked up. I should’ve just been straight with you.’
‘Do you know how stupid I felt?’ I asked, staring stubbornly ahead to keep my eyes from welling up.
‘I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Like, at all.’
I’d wanted nothing more than to hear those words. So then why did my chest still feel so heavy? I sighed, tightening the blanket around my shoulders. ‘Maybe you were right. I don’t want to get sucked into something that’s not fully over.’
‘Itisover. It has been for a while … to be honest, it really threw me when she texted me saying she’d made a mistake.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But she really wanted to talk, and I … thought I should at least hear her out.’
I blinked at him. ‘And how did that go?’
He ran a hand through his wavy hair, his jaw twitching ever so slightly. ‘I told her I didn’t want to get back together.’
An unwelcome flutter of hope went through me. I adjusted my position, leaning back against the porch pillar to face him. ‘You’re telling me that was it?’ I lifted my chin up, challenging him. ‘That you’ve cut off all ties now?’
He let out a long, worn-out breath, his shoulders sagging from the weight of it. ‘It’s not that simple. It’s—’
‘—complicated?’ I cut in.I knew it.‘The magic word people use when they want to keep their options open.’
I wasn’t naive enough to believe that Neil was going to permanently walk away from his childhood sweetheart because of someone he’d known all of five seconds. Sooner or later, this bubble would pop and he’d go right back to her.
Neil sighed and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I know what you see when you look at me. A spoiled guy with a ton of privilege.’ He massaged his temples with one hand. ‘And I really do get it. I come from money. I’ve always had endless opportunities. But you …’ His voice trailed off as he looked away. ‘You’ve got something I’ve envied my entire life, Kavya. You have a sweet, overprotective brother. Your parents, who thinkthe world of you. Your gorgeous family. I’ve never had that. Not really.’
There was something raw in his voice. ‘My dad only noticed me when I was the perfect kid. When I came back home with a trophy or an A+ in my report card. Every other day, I might as well have been invisible. And my mom … let’s just say she checked out a long time ago. Growing up, Aarushi was the closest thing I had as support. She got me through some really shitty years.’
He lifted his dark eyes to mine. ‘So yes, it’s complicated. Not because I want to get back with her, but because drawing that line—cutting her off from my life—isn’t as easy as you might imagine.’
I had never seen him look so naked, so exposed. It made my chest hurt. ‘You shouldn’t … cut her off, I mean,’ I said, my voice so small it didn’t even sound like mine. I thought back to the conversation I’d had with Nikita when she’d shown me Aarushi’s Instagram profile. ‘She’s your person.’
He looked baffled, like he couldn’t understand how I’d reached that conclusion. ‘No, Kavya. She’s not my person.’ He said it like it was the simplest truth in the world. ‘She’s not you.’
My breath dried up in my throat.No, no, no. He wasn’t allowed to say things like that.The blanket slid to the floor as I pushed myself to my feet, needing distance, air, anything that could stop the avalanche of emotions crashing over me.
‘I should … I need to go check on Tanya,’ I muttered, already turning towards the door.
‘Kavya, please, hold on.’ I heard him shuffle behind me. His fingers brushed my arm as he gently turned me back towards him. I didn’t dare look up, but I didn’t have to. His smoky cologne, the way his fingers were wrapped around my arm, the sound of his breathing—everything about him felt more familiar than I cared to admit. I could’ve walked away if I wanted to, buta force stronger than me was pulling me into him, closer and closer until there were only a few inches between us.Would it be so bad if I let him kiss me, one last time?When I finally gathered the courage to look up at him, his warm eyes were burning with something I couldn’t quite identify.Anger? Frustration? Passion, my mind offered.
‘I’m falling for you. Why is that so hard for you to believe?’
The tender, beautiful words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my eyes prickling with tears and blinked them away before they had a chance to betray me. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I caught a flicker of movement behind the front door, but it stayed closed.
I took a step back, trying to put some distance between us, between what he’d just said and the storm brewing inside me. ‘You say that now … but you’ll realize soon enough that I don’t belong in your world.’
Not like her.All those stupid Instagram posts flashed in my head—all the birthdays they’d spent together, those glossy looking international trips they’d taken, adventures they’d shared, fancy dinner dates they’d gone on where they ate crab and duck, and exotic things that I could never stomach.That can never be us.
And the worst part was, for a brief moment today, I’d let myself believe that maybe wecouldmake sense together. After all, he’d charmed the socks off my brother, which was a miracle in itself, and then cheerfully abandoned his precious diet to stuff his face with sugary treats just to please my mom. He’d even managed to survive my dad’s awkward small talk for the better part of an hour. It was heartwarming. But that warmth couldn’t undo the sting I still felt from being left in the dark for a whole week while he figured things out with Aarushi. All his efforts tonight only highlighted the difference I’d been trying not tolook at. With her, he’d never have to try. She was his default. How could I ever compete with a decade of shared history?
I looked around my front porch and my little hillside cottage, feeling the words tumbling out of me thoughtlessly. ‘And maybe you don’t belong in mine.’ It was better to push him away now than to wait for him to walk away later.
Neil flinched. No, I mean, he actuallyflinched. Like I’d shut a door smack in his beautiful, pained face. For a second, the weight of what I’d said hung in the chilly air between us. I opened my mouth—though I didn’t know if I meant to soften my words or take them back—but the front door swung open and snatched the opportunity away from me.
‘What exactly is happening here?’ Keshav bhaiya demanded, glancing between me and Neil with a distrustful frown on his face.
