Page 152 of King of Ashes
“I look at you like you’re my whole fucking world and my world is about to disintegrate if I lose you.”
I shake my head, wishing to clear it. “And knowing that, you still knocked me up?”
“Stop saying shit like that. You’re not crazy. And your mother had mental health issues. Nothing pointed to you having them until that fucking day.”
“But what you imply is that without you erasing my memories, you would have had to let me vegetate in that place.”
His chest pants with ragged breathing, and he takes a step back. “This talk is over.”
Frowning, I reach out my arm to grab his hand. “I want to know everything about my mother.”
“Sure. I have her diary if you want it.”
I shoot up from the chair, my mouth turning dry. “Why did you withhold this information?”
“I forgot your mother is not such a sensitive subject as your precious father.”
I hug myself, split open and in desperate need of an anchor. It feels like everything I believed is proving to be a lie. “Stop it. You have no right.”
His entire body vibrates with barely contained anger. “I have every fucking right.”
“Show me,” I demand, and I follow him into his office. He unlocks the safe hidden behind a shelf.
He retrieves the diary, with an old picture of my mother holding me lying on top of it. I pick up the fragile-looking bundle of papers, my fingers shaking. She looks so young and beautiful, but there is no spark in her eyes, as if she’s empty inside.
I take it with me and slump into the armchair, going through her diary. Each sentence is messy, revealing her wayward mind. From her unruly handwriting to her prose, it appears as if she’s trying—and failing—to string together coherent thoughts, moving from I would like to love you to I don’t know why I feel nothing.
It’s a force tearing at her that is beyond her control, one I know too well, even if mine stems from emotional distress and hers from illness.
He sits on the edge of his desk, silently watching me as if expecting to intervene at any moment. I ignore him and go through the last entry.
I can’t do this anymore. Why can’t anyone free me? Free. Sorry.
“She committed suicide. I’m sorry, baby,” he says in such a gentle tone, as if trying not to awaken the ghosts haunting my peace. Too late. They claw their talons into my truth and rip it to shreds.
She wasn’t an addict who abandoned me, disappearing from my life. She was a deeply ill woman. A woman I didn’t get to know.
No, this is another one of his mental games, making my father appear guilty so he can sweep in and play the hero.
Torn between contradictory beliefs, I hug the diary to my chest, holding on to it with all my might, afraid I might crack and be unable to stitch myself back together.
“Talk to me. I need you to tell me what’s going on inside your head,” he says, his voice broken because I am his sole weakness.
A headache throbs between my temples, causing vertigo, and I place the diary on the armrest, closing my eyes for a moment to stop everything from spinning. “You need to ask? I thought you knew me better than I know myself.” I dig the heels of my palms into my temples, hoping to make the pressure stop. “Do you think this changes anything? How do I know it’s real?”
He stabs a finger into his chest. “Do you think I would do that? Hurt you on fucking purpose? I acted impulsively just once, after cheating death, driven solely by the need to rescue you.”
“Rescue me? From fucking what?” I shriek, done with the permanent secrecy.
His lips tighten in a firm line, a war raging behind his eyelids, a muscle in his jaw ticking with indecision.
I storm out of his office and change into a pair of trousers, rolling the sleeves of his shirt up to my elbows. Then I rush to the elevator with him hot on my trail, though he does nothing to stop me.
I punch in the first two numbers of the code when he lets out a growl that pierces my damn chest, making me pause. “You promised me one day.”
“I guess neither of us is good at keeping promises,” I say, sniffling.
His chest heaves with a heavy pant. “Even now you want to keep his memory sacred, not caring that you dirty my love.”
