Page 110 of Empty Net
"With your consent."
"Because you asked me in a hallway twelve hours after I kissed you and told me it was the ethical thing."
His face goes still.
That one lands. I hate myself. I do not stop.
"It was the ethical thing," he says quietly.
"And now some reporter has the ethical thing in his inbox."
"Someone breached confidentiality. That is not the same as the process being wrong."
"It feels the same."
"I understand why it does."
"Don't make it reasonable."
The words come out louder than I expect.
Caleb stops.
The office is silent except for the building beyond it, phones, voices, the low hum of work continuing because nobody knows that my life has been picked up by a stranger and turned toward the light.
"I was going to say it," I say.
His expression changes. Pain. Not surprise.
"I believe you."
"I had the statement. I had the date. I told the room. I did it right."
"You did."
"And now he has a photo and a source and a deadline."
"Legal is pushing back. They may not have enough to publish."
"May."
"Yes."
"May is doing a lot of work."
"Yes."
The agreement makes me angrier. I want him to argue badly so I can hate the argument. I want him to say something clean and stupid about truth or visibility or the process protecting us, so I can break it. He does not. He stands there with his face open and miserable and gives me accurate answers.
Accurate answers are no use against panic.
"This is exactly what I didn't want," I say, and now the sentence runs because if it stops I will have to hear myself. "I spent my whole career deciding how much of myself to let anyone have, and maybe it was cowardice and maybe it was habit and maybe it was the only thing that worked, fine, but yesterday I chose something. I chose the room. I chose the statement. I chose you in front of people who matter to me."
The hip catches. I shift my weight and the shift takes the sentence with it.
"And now there is a man with a photo and a source familiar with a recent personnel recusal, and the thing that makes him credible is the paperwork you built around us."
Caleb's eyes are wet.
