Page 112 of Empty Net
"I don't know the difference right now."
That is the most honest thing I have said since entering the room, and it arrives too late to save either of us from the damage around it. Caleb absorbs it with his hands at his sides, not reaching, which is good because if he reaches I might stay, and if I stay I might say something worse, and if I say something worse I will not be able to take it back.
"Okay," he says.
I hate him for saying okay.
I love him for it too.
"I need to go," I say.
"Where?"
"Home."
"Will you answer if I call?"
The question is careful and not careful. Human. Too human.
"I don't know."
He nods once. It is a professional nod. It breaks something in me that I do not have time to examine.
"Nolan," he says.
I stop at the door because apparently my body still knows his voice even when everything else has gone defensive. The stick is still against the wall where I left it.
"I am sorry," he says.
He does not say for what. Good. The list is too long and mostly not his.
I leave.
Gerald is at his desk when I pass, and he says nothing. This is mercy.
The parking deck is too bright. The truck is where I left it. Same spot. My phone buzzes three times before I reach the driver's door. Alderman. My agent. Unknown number.
I turn the phone off.
At home, the apartment is dark except for the one kitchen light, the same light, the same counter, the same clean surfacesI used to mistake for proof that nothing could touch me if I kept my life narrow enough. I stand with both hands flat on the granite and wait for the old relief to arrive, for the quiet to become control, for the clean safety of being alone to settle over me the way it used to.
Nothing comes.
Only the door, closed behind me.
NOLAN
The apartment does not work anymore.
This is the first fact.
The second fact is that I do not sleep.
The third fact is that at 3:12 AM, I turn my phone back on because silence without information is not control. It is just silence with sharper teeth.
Seventeen notifications arrive in a stack. Alderman. My agent. Dana. Caleb, once. Then not again.
Caleb's message is the shortest.
